


Falling Up

by BridgetteIrish, Rtarara



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2017-04-30
Packaged: 2018-05-14 21:18:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5759170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BridgetteIrish/pseuds/BridgetteIrish, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rtarara/pseuds/Rtarara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes all it takes is a small shift for things to start tumbling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Second Impressions

**Author's Note:**

> This is a collaboration between BridgetteIrish and Rtarara because we are trash. Thank you to sexghosts and lishesque for betaing this chapter :D

Astra watched as her quarry stumbled a bit as she exited through the front door of the restaurant. She had seen her dining with Maxwell Lord, which caused her to clench her jaw as she waited outside and watched. The agent rounded the corner, into the alleyway where she couldn’t be seen. Alex Danvers leaned against the cool, brick wall and took a few deep, steadying breaths. 

 

No sound was made as Astra floated down gently from her position high in the alleyway. Some might have considered it rude to use super powers to spy on the couple, but Astra hadn’t cared. They were humans and at least one of them was an enemy. She had been watching the agent for a while. It was a side project of hers that had earned her a few sideways glances that she chose to ignore. “That did not appear to go smoothly.” 

 

“Jesus Christ." Alex’s body grew taut, as though all of her training kicked in at once. Her eyes darted around in the dim light, landing finally on the figure floating gracefully from above. “Astra? What the hell?”

 

She landed softly next to the brunette. “I make it a point to watch what my enemies are up to. I have to say I did not expect you to be with one such as that,” she sneered. 

 

“It isn’t what it looks like. He’s… useful.”

 

“He is less than what he appears.” She moved closer to the agent, liking the way the brunette’s heart would be faster as she got near. “You would do better to avoid him.”

 

“I can take care of myself, thanks. You underestimate him. He’s hiding a lot, and I intend to find out what. Tactics be damned." Alex moved from the wall, clenching her fists for a moment before allowing them to relax. 

 

“I think you’re the one underestimating him. He’s not a good man and I’m not sure what sort of tactics you have that involve him touching you so intimately in public.” Her disgust was evident in the way she spoke. Maxwell Lord was one of the worst representatives of humanity that she had seen. 

 

“Careful, Astra. One might start to think you cared." Alex rolled her eyes and started back towards the entrance of the restaurant, absently brushing a hand along her hip, where Astra had seen the entitled man grab earlier.

 

“I do not care what becomes of you,” she spoke a little too quickly and internally chided herself as she tried to cover the mistake. “I have learned that you are somehow close to my niece. The way you comport yourself is not...respectful.” She looked at Alex challengingly. The warrior should not be entertaining such a creature. 

 

Alex flinched, her eyes flashing with hurt for a moment as Kara was mentioned. “This isn’t any of Kara’s business. I’m trying to help her. The more I can learn about Maxwell Lord, the better position I’ll be in to protect her. When it comes to Kara, you’ll find we have more in common than you think.”

 

“I doubt she’d want this kind of protection.” Astra crossed her arms. “I do not know her now as well as I would like...” A hint of sadness showed in her tone. She missed the easy relationship that she had with Kara when she was younger, though she had to admit to herself that it wasn’t Kara who had changed. She pulled herself out of her thoughts, “I do know that as a girl she would not have wanted someone to fight her battles for her—especially if it would damage them in the process.” Her eyes flicked again to where Maxwell’s hands had been. 

 

Alex furrowed her brows and spoke slowly. “What, exactly, do you think Kara and I are to each other?" She was keenly aware that Astra was speaking around what she really wanted to say.

 

“Lovers...maybe friends? I’m not sure as it’s harder to observe with Kara near. You touch intimately, though Kara...she was always more free with affection than most of our kind.” She moved a little closer than was strictly necessary, whether to intimidate or something else she wasn’t sure. 

 

Alex snorted and smiled softly, “She’s more affectionate than most of our kind too.”

 

Alex leaned a shoulder back against the brick wall, relaxing slightly. “It was Kara that taught me to show love through touch. My, no, OUR parents were loving, but never demonstrative, at least not until Kara. She sought out love wherever she could get it. We all just followed her lead." Something shifted and Alex’s flicked over to her as if she suddenly remembered who she was speaking to and she straightened back up, clearing her throat. “Old habits die hard, I guess.”

 

“I suppose that is the truth.” Kara had been given a second family. She was happy for a moment that the girl had not been alone, but felt a pang that she hadn’t gotten the chance to see her grow up. She looked the brunette warrior over again with the new information, surprised to feel an odd sense of relief that she couldn’t place. “It is...well...that she had you, though I still find your current actions confusing. You are above him. Why lower yourself when you could use your superior forces?” 

 

Alex stood a little straighter seeming to take pride at the way Astra had spoken about her, but the agent quickly schooled her features. “Brute force only gets you so far, General, but I don’t imagine you have spent much time exploring other options." Alex crossed her arms, raising a single brow. “As I said, my intentions with Mr. Lord are in no way romantic. I need information. Surely you can understand that.”

 

“There was someone who implored me to explore other options once...she believed the answer was to win people’s minds. She’s dead now and our planet was lost.” She reached out and fixed a bit of Alex’s hair that had fallen out of place. It was always hard to talk about Alura. “But I assume you’ll do what you believe to be best just as she did.”

 

Alex recoiled a bit at Astra’s hand so close to her face, though there was a hint of regret in her eyes at the action. “Why are you here, Astra?" Alex’s eyes searched her tiredly. 

 

The alien let her hand drop slowly, “You... fascinate me. You do not behave as most humans so I found myself...intrigued.” She looked at Alex unabashedly. Something made her want to look longer as she tried to puzzle it out. 

 

Alex’s eyes flashed under the weight of Astra’s intense regard. “I’m not a zoo animal, Astra. You can’t just follow me, or stalk me, or whatever this is, just because you don’t understand me. That’s not how humans get to know each other.”

 

“I’m not human, but I am curious and it is more difficult to discern your motivations from your actions than I had originally anticipated.” She cocked her head to the side. It was hard for her to admit and she shifted her stance narrower as she asked, “What would you suggest?”

 

Alex laughed as though the question was off coming from her, “I don’t know, Astra. Most people start with drinks, or coffee. Talking, usually." She backpedaled a bit, “If you wanted to learn more about… Earth.”

 

“I don’t find Earth to be particularly interesting. I’ve read your books, your newspapers, the various parts of your history that echoed Krypton’s a few millennia ago.” Astra’s eyes never left Alex. “Though I suppose there are worse things than talking while consuming one of your beverages.” 

 

Alex began running exit strategies in her head. They all died on her tongue. “I should get back to…” Alex gestured towards the corner, which led to the door of the restaurant. “He’ll wonder where I’ve…” She trailed off again and tugged a bit at the hem of the minidress that had ridden a little higher on her thighs than was entirely decent. “You should go home, Astra, wherever that is. To your husband,” she finished pointedly.

 

Astra sighed. The human wouldn’t see reason after all. If she wasn’t so sure it would result in her niece hating her permanently, she’d simply eliminate the man as she had originally intended. “If you must.” Her eyes had caught the way the agent’s skirt had trailed up her legs. It was appealing, though she considered herself above such things and forced herself to ignore the way it made her want to reach out and run her hand along the exposed skin, the tips of her fingers starting to reach out before she stilled them. Non was far from her mind. “I will ...though he’s away at the moment.” She looked down, her eyes betraying her for a brief second. “But do remain...whole. He is not worth that much, I assure you, even for Kara.” 

 

Alex seemed confused at Astra’s concern for her, but the look in her eyes was familiar. “Don’t worry,” Alex couldn’t help but smile. “Maxwell Lord will be going home disappointed tonight." She turned and began to leave. Before she turned the corner, she stopped and turned her head, just a bit. “Good night, Astra.”

 

Astra smiled slightly as the woman reassured her, “That is for the best. He deserves disappointment.” She watched as Alex began to walk away. There was no reason to mark the absence, but there was a shift that she felt distinctly. “Goodnight.” She flew off but landed on a nearby building, in case she was needed. 

 

—————————————————————

 

It was less than two hours later when Alex left the restaurant, Maxwell’s biting insults still stinging the back of her mind.  _ “You’re actually turning me down? It’s pretty clear from the way you’re walking like you have stick up your ass that you haven’t had sex in quite a while, and honestly, I can’t say that I’m surprised after spending an evening with you. You’d think fighting aliens would make you interesting enough to make up for what you’re lacking in the looks department, but it turns out you’re incredibly boring. I thought it might be worth bedding you for information on your super pal, but I’m truly relieved that I don’t have to."  _ She braced herself against the brick wall for support taking deep, sobering breaths. It was moments like this when Alex wished she’d never quit smoking. She could use a cigarette right now. Kara had needled her and hid her smokes and left anti-smoking pamphlets around her apartment until Alex had sworn to give them up. She brought her other hand to her forehead in an attempt to cool the flush that had rushed over her in the warm evening.

 

A gust of air signalled Astra’s arrival as she flew beside the other woman, shifting uncomfortably. “You are well, yes?” She gazed intently as though looking for obvious signs of damage. 

 

Alex started and swore. “Dammit, Astra. We’re going to have to have a talk about you sneaking up on people. Are you still watching me?”

 

“I was in the neighborhood.” She hadn’t left that neighborhood since they’d last spoken. “And it is not my fault you are not alert.” Alex smelled faintly of alcohol even without enhanced senses.

 

“I’m plenty alert,” Alex snapped, though even she was aware of the mild slur in her words. Alex stood to her full height, standing only slightly shorter than Astra herself. “I’m fine. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m exhausted and need to get home." She took two or three unsteady steps before catching one, thin, three-inch heel on a crack in the sidewalk and stumbling.

 

There was a hand around Alex steadying her in an instant. “I believe that you require some assistance.” Her eyes softened and a bit of concern showed as she kept an arm around the agent. “I can take you home. It is too dark for the humans to see much.” 

 

Alex put on her sober voice and did her best to stand in Astra’s arms. “That won’t be necessary General. I’m trained in combat. I think I can make it six blocks through my own neighborhood on my own. Surely, you are needed elsewhere." The evasive maneuvers did little to convince even Alex herself, but Astra was pressed against her and her head was spinning a bit, not entirely from the last glass of wine. 

 

“I have some time available.” She looked between the intoxicated woman and the streets ahead calculatingly and held on a little tighter. “It would not be a hardship.” 

 

Alex took a deep breath to steady herself. A mistake, she realized as her senses were flooded with Astra’s scent, sharp, spicy, earthy. She attempted to shrug off Astra’s hold, but failed and ultimately gave in to the offered assistance. “Fine,” she acquiesced. “That way." She pointed in the general direction of her building.

 

Astra nodded as though she didn’t already know where the brunette lived when she wasn’t at the military base. She looked around to make sure they were alone before wrapping her other arm around Alex and taking off into the sky. She adjusted them so Alex was as secure as possible, keeping her hold firm even as her heart sped up just a touch. 

 

Alex wrapped her arms around Astra’s neck more out of instinct than fear. She’d been flying with Kara countless times, but the leap in her heart was inevitable as she left solid ground. She closed her eyes against the dizzy spell caused by the rapidly retreating earth, but opened them again once she felt their ascent slow. Flying with Astra was different than with Kara. Kara’s flight was joyful, unfettered, as though each time was the first time, like she still couldn’t believe this was something she was able to do. Astra was more grounded in her flight. She was confident and strong, as though she knew she deserved this gift and was proud to show it off to one who did not possess it. 

 

Smiling slightly as they drifted high in the sky, Astra looked down at the human. “Have you flown before?” It was warm where their bodies met and Astra made no effort to put space between them, flying far slower than she was capable of. 

 

Alex could only manage a nod, a smile and a quiet, “With Kara,” before settling into Astra’s arms and allowing herself a bit of pleasure in flight.

 

Astra seemed surprised to find herself so quickly on the fire escape of Alex’s building. She deftly opened the window and she climbed in first, steadying Alex on her way through. She looked around appraisingly. “Interesting place.” 

 

Alex shrugged, removing herself — finally — from Astra’s protective hold. “It’s home. I’m never here, so it’s really just a place to sleep when I’m not working." Her head was swimming from the flight, her arms were buzzing from every place they’d been touching Astra and her eyes were unfocused, a side-effect, she assumed from the extra glass of wine she knew she shouldn’t have had. But Max had taken her rejection hard and had thrown enough snide remarks at her to justify her decision. She propped herself nonchalantly against the wall next to the window, so she could still feel the breeze brush her hair and cheeks. Her eyes closed of their own volition.

 

“It is...nice.” The words were stilted as though Astra was fulfilling some sort of unfamiliar ritual, rather than commenting on the apartment. She rubbed her arms for a moment where they had been in contact with Alex as though she was now cold. “I should allow you to rest.” She didn’t head towards the open window, watching Alex instead. 

 

Alex knew Astra wanted something more from her. She had a guess as to what that was, but knew it would be a terrible idea. In her compromised state, Alex couldn’t help but let out a mirthless chuckle. She nodded halfheartedly. “Thanks for the lift." She smiled at her own joke.

 

Astra’s lips quirked upwards, “It was not difficult.” She moved back towards the window, stopping in front of Alex. “It wasn’t true...what he said. I heard...” She reached out for a moment before pulling back, seemingly unsure, though her eyes searched Alex’s face. 

 

Alex shook off the thoughts and tried to ignore the sting they caused. She focused instead on the woman who had drawn close. Astra’s approach felt dangerous, not because of the General’s strength or intent, but because of the earnest way she met her drooping eyes and the curiosity she spoke of earlier. Alex knew it was up to her to draw this line, though she wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to. In a final moment of clarity, Alex gathered her resolve and made a decision. “You need to go, Astra. I need to…rest. I’ll give your best to Kara." She pointed her sister’s name intentionally, to remind Astra that there was more at stake here than an ill-advised moment they couldn’t take back.

 

“Right...I’ll go.” She paused for a moment. “Take care, I believe is the saying humans use.” She brushed against the other woman, giving her a lingering glance. “I will see you again soon.” She reached out and touched Alex’s shoulder for a second and took off.

 

Alex banged the back of her head against the wall, welcoming the pain as punishment for what had just happened. “Goddammit, Alex. What the hell are you doing?" She kicked off her shoes and collapsed on the sofa, not even bothering to remove her dress.


	2. A Drink and Conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astra takes Alex up on her offer of drinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry this took a bit. The next one will be up sooner. Thanks to Kara-lesbihonest for betaing this one :D

“Astra! Jesus. You have got to stop sneaking up on me like that. How are you so silent?” Alex fought to slow her racing heart upon being surprised by the woman once again after leaving the DEO for the evening.

“It’s a simple skill.” Her lips quirked upward and her eyes danced at getting the upper hand on the agent. Things had been quiet for Alex the last week or two and she had just started to shake the feeling that she was being watched. 

“Uh huh,” Alex hedged. She looked Astra over in a vain attempt at subtlety. “You... look different. New clothes?” Dressed in jeans and a crisp black button down, Astra looked softer, more open somehow. There was still an air of danger surrounding her, but this time the leap in Alex’s heart had little to do with fear. Though she’d never say it out loud, she suspected it had something to do with the rakish streak of white in Astra’s jet black hair.

Astra took a step forward and her eyes travelled over the warrior as she spoke. “I have found that these arouse less suspicion. You said we would share a beverage and speak, so I felt a combat suit was inappropriate.” She spoke steadily though there was a tiny inflection of insecurity to Alex’s ears. 

Alex couldn’t help the full laugh that escaped, but she calmed immediately upon seeing the curious, almost unsure look in Astra’s eyes. Insecurity looked foreign on the confident leader. Guilt rose in Alex; she was obviously trying. It wasn’t fair to laugh, but the whole situation was so absurd that she couldn’t help herself. “A drink? Okay. On one condition. You let me put a bell on you.” Alex’s lip quirked in a sarcastic smile that fell when Astra’s brows furrowed. This time it was Alex who reached out, squeezing Astra’s upper arm reassuringly. “Astra, that was a joke.”

Astra cocked her head to the side and considered for a moment, “I don’t think it was a very good one.” There wasn’t malice in her voice, but she brought one hand over her abdomen as if to shield herself. She didn’t move away from the touch on her arm, but it was a moment before she relaxed and tried to speak again, “Where would you like to go for the drink?” There were a lot of bars nearby and her eyes drifted up the street. 

Alex was careful to keep her smile kind and suppress the chuckle that bubbled in her throat. “How about somewhere quiet, since the idea is to talk.” She nearly suggested her apartment, but bit her tongue in time. Having Astra in her personal space again so soon, and while she was lucid and sober, was certainly a recipe for disaster. “There’s a nice place a few blocks from here.” It was well-lit and the bartender was alert and protective. It wasn’t that Alex didn’t trust Astra, but now wasn’t the time to let her guard down either. “Follow me?”

Astra relaxed more, mirroring Alex, “That is agreeable.” She moved so she walking next to the agent, following her lead. “Have you been well since we talked last?” Her eyes drifted over Alex again as they walked, looking for some sign of injury. 

Alex shrugged. “Well enough, when I’m not being ambushed or hunted by your Kryptonian army.” She couldn’t help the little dig, but immediately regretted it as soon as she saw Astra’s face harden. It was a harsh reminder that they were still on different sides of what was shaping up to be war, and no amount of friendly cocktails would change that. “Sorry,” Alex said and shoved her hands in her pockets to prevent herself from reaching out for Astra. She was surprised at the strength of the impulse.

“Have there been incidents?” Alex detected worry seeping into Astra’s voice and her tone inched higher. She wondered how much control the Kryptonian had left over her army. She shrugged, “It is alright. I understand that you might not be happy if there have been fights between our forces.” Astra kept walking alongside Alex, her eyes looking between the agent and their surroundings.

“Not fights, exactly,” Alex conceded, “but Astra.” She stopped their forward momentum and turned to face the other woman, hands in her pockets. “You must know things are escalating. The ambush at your exchange won’t be the last one, whether you order it or not,” she insisted pointedly as Astra opened her mouth to protest. “My people know when they’re being watched.” Alex took a step back and looked about, feeling eyes on her again, even now, even if they weren’t actually there. She shook off the feeling and began walking again, gesturing to Astra to come along.

Astra fell back into step with Alex. “I am aware of the situation between our people.” It was hard to believe the quick words. Astra saw Alex looking around and did the same, not seeming to find whatever she was after. “I will look into the possible surveillance that you’ve been noticing. I didn’t — there wasn’t anyone I trusted to monitor you in my absence.” 

“Monitor me?” Alex was incredulous. “What the hell do you mean, monitor me? Astra, if this is some kind of reconnaissance mission, we can end this now. I thought you wanted to talk. I don’t have any information for you, and even if I did, you don’t actually think that a couple of scotch and sodas will get it out of me, do you?”

Alex registered Astra’s hands clenched at her sides as she spoke, but she looked at them for a moment before relaxing from the defensive stance. “I wish to talk. I am not interested in any knowledge your DEO might possess.” She flicked her wrist dismissively. “I occasionally check that you are well. I don’t usually find my presence is welcome so I do so from a distance, except for times like tonight.” She looked down and picked at invisible threads at the end of her sleeve. 

Alex stopped again. At this rate they’d make it to the bar around closing time. “Astra, you know that’s weird, right?” She was trying to be gentler. It was painfully obvious to Alex that Astra was unsure of herself and trying to reach out, so Alex reached out instead. She stepped closer to Astra so she could meet her eyes and placed a firm hand on Astra’s shoulder. “You can’t watch people without their knowledge or permission. In the future, if you’re curious how I’m doing, or how Kara’s doing, then you have to ask. If you promise me that, I will promise you that I will tell you the truth.” In this moment, Alex couldn’t think of a situation that Astra’s presence would be entirely unwelcome, so she let that go.

“There are 57 people in that restaurant.” She pointed at a nearby building and then shifted her focus upward. Alex followed her gaze, confused. “The couple in that apartment are fighting about take out of all things.” She closed her eyes. “Three blocks over a man is taking a picture with his wife and trying to get it right for your social media.” She opened her eyes again. “I watch people all the time because I see them all the time.” She wet her lips. “I see you more, sometimes when I’m not trying.” She sighed. “I will try not to do so intentionally or seek you out, if you will provide me with a means of contacting you.” She seemed uneasy with the compromise. 

Alex was mesmerized by Astra’s narrative. “That’s incredible,” she said, almost breathlessly. The scientist in her was fascinated by the amount of stimuli one person could take. She took an involuntary step closer to Astra, studying her. “Do you - can you -” She took a deep breath and started over. “Does that… happen all the time?” Alex’s father had taught Kara, almost from the day she stepped out of the pod, to control her powers. She’d never encountered anyone who hadn’t had that luxury.

She thought for a moment, “More than that if I concentrate. I assume it is the same with Kara?” She shrugged and seemed unsure of her niece. “It’s a gift that I believe would have prevented my capture on Krypton. I often wonder if I’d had these abilities then if I’d have been able to save it.” She looked ahead for a moment before shifting back to Alex. “It doesn’t do well to dwell on it, however. What is done can’t be changed.”

Alex gave Astra’s reminiscence the weight it deserved before nudging her by the elbow. “C’mon. The bar is just up ahead.” She pointed to a door about a half block away. She valiantly ignored the warmth and strength of the arm beneath her hand.

————————————

Astra gave a slight smile, glad for the change in topic. The night had already left her more exposed than she would have liked. The hand guiding her felt like an anchor. She walked toward the establishment and entered before Alex to look it over first. There was nothing harmful in the space, at least nothing the agent couldn’t handle on her own if needed. She wasn’t quite sure what to do once they got inside. “Do we wait or…?” She looked around.

Alex smiled and fixed her with a curious look. Astra hated how off balance the agent made her feel, as if she were missing a child not quite drawing their symbols correctly.  
“You’ve really never…?” Alex stepped to the bar. “I’ll take care of it.” She ordered two scotch and sodas and pointed to a quiet corner. “Go, sit. I’ll be right there.” Astra kept her eyes on the other woman as she paid for the drinks and smiled at the bartender, throwing a generous tip on the bar before crossing to the table.

Sitting so that no one could come up behind her, Astra settled into the booth. It wasn’t as though she didn’t understand these places at all. It was just a little hard to discern which ones you waited to be sat and which ones you found a table yourself. Humans were a strange race and she never felt quite comfortable with them, even after so much time. Alex seemed a rare exception. She took her drink. “Thank you. I have currency to reimburse you.” She pulled out a wallet filled with a large sum of money in various currencies, determined to contribute. 

Alex shrugged away the offer. “Don’t worry about it. So, what exactly did you want to talk about?”

Astra put her wallet away for the moment, resolving to get the agent’s next drink if they stayed that long. She took a sip of hers. It tasted like damp ground and smoke. Human tastes were truly strange. “Did you always wish to be a warrior—to fight aliens?” 

Alex smiled and twisted her tumbler on the table. “I was a scientist first actually, bioengineering. You don’t grow up in the Danvers family without an appreciation for science. I followed in my parents’ footsteps. The… fighting came later.” Astra smiled. Intelligence was a good quality and it felt vindicating to know that Alex was a scientist before a fighter. 

The agent paused and appeared to be choosing her words carefully. “You know, Astra, the DEO’s purpose isn’t to fight aliens. We’re trying to protect the aliens who have chosen to make Earth their home. We are here to apprehend criminals and understand alien life on our planet. Please don’t make us the enemy.”

Astra frowned as Alex kept speaking. It wasn’t one of her favorite memories, but she found herself speaking honestly, “I didn’t know where I was when we first landed on Earth. It wasn’t a particularly remarkable planet. I mourned for my home and my family, but for the first time since I was put in the Phantom Zone… there was hope.” She sighed. “Your DEO pursued us almost immediately. I lost soldiers.” Alex nodded. 

The General drank a bit, taking a pause. “I was in DEO custody when I was injected with poison and tortured. You director did not get that kind of treatment from us.” Her eyes dropped to the table. It was hard to remember the feeling of acid melting her from the inside. She was sure it would kill her. She took a few steadying breaths. 

Alex slowly reached out and covered Astra’s hand with her own, looking almost surprised by her own actions. “That wasn’t the DEO, Astra. None of us authorized that. You saw Kara, she—” Alex’s voice caught in her throat and her eyes swam with guilt. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t stop them.” She shook her head. “God, I’m so sorry.”

The hand on top of hers felt warm and she didn’t pull away from the other woman. Astra took a moment before looking up to meet brown eyes, pain showing in her own in a way she couldn’t quite control. She clenched her jaw. “I saw you pulling her away. She wouldn’t have let him do that. Kara — she always does what’s right.” She sighed. “But I know soldiers have to follow orders.” It felt hollow somehow and she wasn’t sure why. 

Alex withdrew her hand and Astra frowned. The guilt in the Agent’s eyes intensified and her breathing grew more shallow. Her eyes darted to the edges of the room under her own hard eyes. She drained her glass and it hit the table harder than was necessary “I have to go.” She scooted from the booth.

Astra watched as emotions played clearly over the Agent’s face. Her expression grew softer. It hadn’t been her intention to punish, merely to state the truth that Alex’s group wasn’t any worse or better than hers. She hopped up as Alex started to move away and lightly grabbed her wrist, “Wait. Please. I do not blame you for that. It’s just… something that is hard for me to talk about.” She cursed herself internally. She hadn’t wanted it to go like this and she hoped revealing a bit of weakness would help somehow. 

Alex shifted from one foot to the other. “Astra, please.” She didn’t move away, but her eyes were slightly unfocused for a moment before she followed the line of Astra’s arm from her own wrist to steely eyes. “What the hell are we doing?”

“I… we are talking—or attempting to might be more accurate.” She took another step into Alex’s space, not letting her arm drop. She looked down at where her hand was holding on and slowly brought it lower, taking Alex’s hand. Her heart was racing in a way that was unfamiliar, but far from unwelcome. “I wish to know you.” 

Alex looked unsure as to how to respond. She opened her mouth to start speaking, but closed it. She took one deep breath and squeezed Astra’s hand. Her eyes watered as she blinked rapidly, not stopping a few tears from sliding down her cheeks. Alex took a breath and squared her shoulders, determined. “What do you want to know?”

The slight pressure of Alex’s hand in hers spurred a deep sense of relief that the woman was still there with her. Her free hand drifted up and wiped away the tears falling from the agent’s face. She searched for something in Alex’s eyes as she pondered the question for a moment and answered honestly, “Everything.” 

Alex nodded. “Then, I want to show you something.” She pulled Astra by the hand from the bar.


	3. Watchtower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex takes Astra somewhere special to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major thanks to sexghosts and fictorium for betaing and giving this a look over. I hope you guys are still enjoying this and we're having fun with writing it :)

Alex couldn’t help but notice that Astra’s eyes held a hint of uncertainty as she followed her out into the city. The General’s body was taut but she kept her eyes focused on her as they ventured their way out of the bar and back into the night. “Where are we going?”

“Somewhere I go when I forget who I am. If you want to know me, I need a reminder.” She pulled Astra wordlessly through the city. Down alleys, up side streets, across parks until they stood in the shadow of the huge National City water tower. It loomed over the soccer fields and sandboxes of Tower Park, held up on spindly, riveted legs. With a glint in her eye, she dropped Astra’s hand and mounted the ladder that would take her up, up to the only place in National City that made her feel like she could fly.

Astra hadn’t let go of Alex’s hand for the duration of the trip across the city and ran her finger through her belt loops as Alex let go in order to climb. She cocked her head in confusion and started to drift up level to Alex as she climbed the ladder. “This is the place? The strange water tank?”

“This,” Alex said, becoming slightly out of breath from the climb, “is my Fortress of Solitude.” She continued to climb.

Alex saw Astra keep level with her. The climb was important, Alex needed Astra to understand. The climb was where she found whatever she was looking for and the top was her reward for finding it. “Alright.” It was clear that she didn’t understand, but she continued to slowly drift upwards as they ascended the tower.

When she reached the top, Alex swung off the ladder and almost in the same motion, sat herself on the narrow, iron walkway with her arms over the railing and her legs kicking freely like a delinquent teenager. It wasn’t the highest point in National City, not by a long shot, but from here she could see parts of the city so many never would. When her envy of Kara, or her frustration at Hank or restlessness became too much, this was her solace. She looked up at Astra, who hovered just above her, looking down curiously. “Sit.”

Astra changed position, floating slowly so she settled down softly next to Alex. She looked out over the city and back to the other woman, looking as though she was trying to solve some sort of puzzle. “It’s quiet…”

“Mm.” Alex agreed. She closed her eyes and focused her breathing. The words poured from her without filter. It no longer mattered that the fierce woman next to her knew the things she was about to say. There was a reason she’d brought her along, even if she didn’t fully understand it yet. “My name is Alexandra Danvers. I am a bio-engineer. I drink a little too much and fall in love too easily. I am a decent soccer player and an even better chess player. I hate brussels sprouts but love spinach. I enjoy driving fast cars, watching television with my sister and sledding. I can’t sing, but I love to try. I feel alone, even in a room full of people.” She took a deep breath, opened her eyes and turned her head to Astra. “Your turn.”

Astra studied Alex’s face in rapt attention as she spoke. Her puzzle was starting to come together. “Alexandra.” Her lips quirked upwards at the way it felt in her mouth. She met Alex’s eyes and swallowed thickly. “My name is Astra In-Ze. I am the last daughter of my house. I… I can sing. I don’t do it often, but I used to. Before.” She pulled her gaze from Alex and looked out unseeingly over the city. “I was a scientist on Krypton. I’m a General now. Earth food always tastes foreign to me, but I do like Indian as it almost tastes like home. I hit one of your blue mail receptacles the first time I tried to drive a car.” She closed her eyes. “I didn’t get married for love. It was arranged. I got the second best match because I was born second. I wonder often if things would have turned out differently if that hadn’t been the case.” 

“I was born first, but Kara came along and…” Alex swallowed thickly. “Well, let’s just say I understand how hard it is to compete with a perfect sibling.” She smiled sadly. “I love Kara with all of my heart, but goddamn if she doesn’t do absolutely everything right, all the time.”

“She does that. Her mother… Alura was the same way to some extent. Kara is kinder than her mother, but I can imagine how that would have been for you.” She wet her lips. “I had wanted children, but was not permitted. I didn’t begrudge Alura growing up, but that...it was harder. I spent as much time with Kara as I could.” 

Alex couldn’t help but to reach for Astra again. To be told you couldn’t have something, just because someone else did was unthinkable to Alex. She was used to taking what she wanted, no questions asked. She took a trembling hand in both of her own. “I’m so sorry, Astra. Humans, we’re not perfect. I know how much contempt you hold for us, but autonomy, freedom, it’s non-negotiable. If you stay on Earth, with us, you’ll be able to do whatever you want. It isn’t too late.”

—————————————————————————

“I don’t want to kill all the humans...or any of them, save a few like Maxwell Lord.” She swallowed. Alex’s words soaked into her. A promise of being able to do what she had dreamed of growing up, was a powerful one. She wasn’t quite naive enough to believe it applied to her anymore. Some things change you and some things are taken away. “You don’t know what it’s like to watch a planet die. I can’t live through that again.” She turned and looked into Alex’s eyes, willing her to understand. 

Alex nodded and turned her head back out to survey the National City skyline. They weight of the situation lingered between them for long moments. After a while she turned back, their faces now somehow closer than before. “I can’t promise you won’t have to,” she finally admitted truthfully, with guilt in her eyes.

“I know.” It wasn’t something Alex or any of the humans could assure her of. It was a looming threat in the backdrop of her new world. She reached out and drew the back of her hand gently across Alex’s cheek, unable to stop herself from reaching out. The warmth and softness contrasted with the cool night air and it made things better somehow. “I will do what I can…” 

Alex’s eyes slipped closed and her tongue wet her lips. She nuzzled against Astra’s hand slightly. Her voice was thick as she spoke softly, “Just… be careful.”

The way Alex moved into her hand was intimate and something about it filled her but left her wanting at the same time. “I will try, if you are careful as well. I credit your bravery, but if you were…” She trailed off not wanting to name her fears. She let her hand unfurl, cupping Alex’s face and running her thumb over her cheekbone. Alex was already close and yet Astra moved just a little bit closer. “You are important.” 

Alex’s lips quirked at the compliment and turned her head, ever so slightly, into Astra’s caress. Her mouth dropped open, but no words came. Her lips caressed the palm of Astra’s hand and the intimacy of the touch broke the spell somehow. She gasped and turned her eyes to meet the general’s once again. She was impossibly close. 

Astra took her lower lip in-between her teeth before letting it go slowly. Her entire life had been based on logic. She’d been taught from the time she was small that it was the only thing that mattered. There was no logic in this. There was no reason that her heart should speed up as Alex’s lips met her skin. Beautiful. She’d realized it before this moment, but now it was all encompassing. It was hard to think and her eyes dipped down to Alex’s lips and she leaned in unconsciously.

Alex took a breath and swallowed and Astra could feel the puff of air against her face. It was almost too much and she started to let her hand fall away, but Alex used her own hand to hold Astra’s to her as she closed the distance between them.

She could see the kiss coming on some level; with superspeed she could have pulled away. She should have pulled away, but she had never felt quite so powerless. Her lips met the other woman’s almost tentatively until something shifted and she wrapped her arm around Alex pulling her closer. Her blood was on fire and the only thing that she could think was that she wanted more. 

Alex pushed into her as she was grabbed and deepened the kiss, capturing Astra’s bottom lip between both of hers and exploring with the tip of her tongue. The hand that rested over Astra’s ran softly up her arm, cupping an elbow.

It was too much and not enough as Alex explored her lips. It felt like she was falling into the other woman. She was drowning but she didn’t want up for air. Her mouth fell open slightly and she let the kiss deepen further. She wasn’t breathing, but that didn’t matter; nothing mattered outside of this moment. She didn’t try to pull away as Alex held her in place. She had kissed before many times, but it had never been anything like this. 

They kissed for long moments, until Astra pulled Alex even tighter and there was a small pop. The agent released Astra’s lips and opened her eyes. “A little too tight,” she said breathlessly. But she smiled and soothed Astra’s fear with a sweep of her thumb over the woman’s lower lip. “I’m only human.” It might have been a joke, but her voice was low and thick and the humor was lost.

Astra blinked as Alex moved back and let her hand drop. “You are beautiful.” The depth of her emotions showed in her eyes. She pressed her lips against Alex's thumb, capturing it in a light kiss. She inhaled to speak again and something in the chill of the night air seeped into her and made her remember. “I… we…” Her face was awash with guilt even as she realized what she was feeling. Attraction. Maybe something more. She had always thought humans were so weak for succumbing to something so banal, but the fleeting stirrings and warm affection that she felt for Non were nothing like this. “I took a vow…” Her voice was strained. 

“I know, Astra, but…” She trailed off, then tried again. “Sometimes, you just can’t…” She shook her head and pulled away slightly. Alex took a moment before she kept going, “There’s something between us, Astra, that I can’t explain. I know you would never betray your principles, but I can’t deny this any more. Non, he’s been a good husband for you, but you didn’t choose him. I would never ask you to turn your back on Krypton, so if you walk away from this now, I won’t follow you, but I need you to know…” Alex’s voice caught and her eyes began to glisten. “I have never been this drawn to anyone and Earth isn’t Krypton, Astra. Here, you have a choice.” She reached out, but did not touch Astra again.

Astra took Alex's hand as her thoughts raged. This could only be fleeting, but she had long since stopped assuming she'd die of old age safe in a bed. Non had been her family for close to five decades, but this — it had never been a possibility. She wet her lips, but a chirp drew her attention. 

“Dammit.” Alex swore. “Danvers,” she said into her bluetooth. “Now? Fine. I’ll be there in ten.”  
She looked at Astra for a moment before squeezing their still joined hands. “I-” she seemed to be fighting with herself. “I have to go. I’m so sorry, Astra.” She stroked her thumb over the back of Astra’s hand. “Maybe this is for the best. It’ll give us both time to think.” She started down the watertower ladder, looking up at Astra, beckoning her to follow.

Astra shook her head, “I — will see you, Alexandra Danvers.” She floated off the tower and leaned in for one more kiss; she wasn’t sure if it would be the last, so she lingered for a moment. She closed her eyes, rocketing off into the night at full speed, her mind racing faster than her body as she hurtled through the dark sky.


	4. View from the Rooftop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things spiral out of control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the stealthvag squad for looking things over for us. So much <3

Alex was tired. She could feel the weight of Kara’s condition pulling at her as she studied the photo in her hands. They were just girls then. She traced the faces, happy—carefree. She had resented Kara when she’d first arrived, but just as Kara always did, she worked her way into Alex’s heart with her disarming smile and earnest affection. Alex had only ever had one job. Protect Kara. And she had failed.

Astra startled as she saw Alex. She watched her for a long moment with a longing expression before schooling her features and moving so so that her reflection was visible. Her eyes lingered on the other woman’s face in the mirror. 

Alex jumped upon seeing the figure in the mirror and whipped around, drawing her pistol on instinct. She lowered it when Astra’s face registered in her mind. “Astra, I swear to Christ if you sneak up on me one more time, I will put a goddamn bell on you, and no, that isn't a joke.” She was upset. Until recently, Astra had been all but stalking Alex. But it had been two weeks since she'd shared the most incredible kiss of her life with this woman and she hadn't seen so much as a glimpse of her.

She took in the sight of Astra; really took her in. Her sunken features and dull eyes. Her shoulders drooped and she was missing that something, that fire that had drawn Alex to her so magnetically in the first place. She recognized that face. She'd just been looking at it in the mirror. “It's Kara, Astra, she’s --” Alex couldn't finish the sentence before her face crumpled.

“Kara has been attacked by a telepathic parasite known as the Black Mercy.” She swallowed and moved closer. She clenched her jaw and relaxed it a few times. “Non…” She shook her head. “The Black Mercy has her trapped in lifelike hallucinations. Her perfect fantasy life. One that grows more and more real with each passing moment.” Her fingers twitched and she almost reached out to touch Alex. 

The impulse to draw Astra close was strong. Now was not the time, so she retreated instead. “A fantasy? What does that mean exactly?”

“The Black Mercy gives you want you want, what it thinks is most likely to trap and keep you there. You have to get Kara to reject the fantasy or it will kill her.” She bit her lip as she looked at the agent.

“I have to? She's unconscious, Astra. I'm powerless. What am I supposed to do, jump into her mind?” Alex was tired and scared. What she craved more than anything was the comfort she knew Astra’s touch could provide, but she couldn't ask for it. Not now. Not after… “Non did this?” Rage settled in Alex’s eyes.

“There are ways to do that. She has to reject it herself, but that might be hard for her without help. She has lost much. I wish I could help more, but I know you’ll find a way.” Her hands clenched at her side and she spared a glance over her shoulder. “Non… I was anticipating him to go after another target.” Grey eyes flicked to meet Alex’s own. “I didn’t think he would find a way to hurt Kara around my commands.” Her eyes were pained. 

“Oh, God. He knows. Astra, I'm sorry. I never should have…” She almost reached out, almost took what she wanted, or asked for what she needed, but this was about Kara now, and she’d have to let Astra go. “I'll get her back, Astra, I promise. And then I'll deal with Non. I don't care if he’s your husband. I owe him nothing and I will kill him for hurting Kara, no matter your feelings towards him.” It was her best effort at pushing the other woman away. It was a pathetic attempt as her voice was shaking and she was wringing her hands to keep them from reaching out. But it was all she had in the moment.

Astra saw Alex inch towards reaching for her and closed her eyes. The touch never came and Astra looked to Alex again, “Do not go after Non. He will want to kill you and you don’t know what he’s capable of. He does not think much of humans. I won’t be able to shield you from him. I couldn’t keep Kara out of it. I want to believe that you’ll get her back. Things often don’t go the way I want them to.” Her eyes watered.

Something about Astra’s complacency incensed Alex and she felt anger well in her again. “They could, Astra. Things could go your way, if you let them.” She took in the other woman’s confused look. “You insist on punishing yourself for others actions. You allow yourself to be tortured and trapped in a war I know you no longer want.” This time she did reach out, just enough to wrap Astra’s wrist in her hand. “I can see it in your eyes, Astra. The fear, the conflict. You can make a different choice.” One step closer and they were almost touching from hip to shoulder.

Alex saw the fear win in the general’s face. “I have to go,” Astra whispered. She tried to pull away, but Alex’s grip tightened and Astra allowed herself to be restrained, neither of them entirely sure why.

“Go, where? Back to him?” The whisper was angry in Astra’s ear, and Alex’s hot breath ghosted down Astra’s cheek, forcing her eyes closed. “Back to a man who will burn down humanity to save a planet he doesn’t even like, just to prove he can?” Alex catches Astra’s eye. “Come with me. Come back to Kara and help me save her.”

Astra shook her head, “It’s already gone too far. I’m their general and if I came with you now her fate would be sealed—and yours as well.” 

“You can’t protect everyone all the time. Certainly not by sacrificing yourself. You Kryptonians are all alike. Hero complexes, all of you,” Alex scowled. “This isn’t your fight anymore, Astra. You see humanity differently now.” Astra’s breath had become short and she was squeezing her eyes shut, as if to try to shut Alex out. “You’ve had a taste of what it feels like. Curiosity. Freedom.” Alex finally closed the distance between them and raised a strong, sure hand to Astra’s cheek. “Desire.” Astra’s eyes flew open to find them inches away from Alex’s. “Tell me I’m wrong,” she whispered.

Astra leaned forward, diverting from her course at the last moment to kiss the corner of Alex’s mouth. The kiss was sweet and short and nowhere near enough for either of them. When they parted, Astra looked at the floor, unable to meet Alex’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said simply and backed away.

Alex nodded and looked up at the ceiling, blinking back tears.. “Goodbye, Astra.”

She turned to leave taking one step and another back towards the window. Astra looked back at Alex over her shoulder, “Kara is lucky to have you. I wish things were different.” If her entire army wouldn’t set out to kill Alex, Kara, and herself if she defected. Non’s violence appealed to them so much more than her own brand of reason. 

Alex let her go, in spite of every muscle in her body making motion to keep her there. She watched as Astra climbed through the window and took off. It was one of a million times Alex had wished for the gift of flight. But this was the first time she had ever wished to fly towards something, rather than away from it. 

——————————————————————  
Astra walked towards the interface. The first stage of Myriad was set to begin tonight. Part of her still believed in the plan — in her mission — but the larger part was exhausted. She’d chosen the role she would play long ago. There was nothing left to do but to see it out. She reached for the interface box. 

Alex approached from behind, startling Astra for once. “Astra. Don't. Please. Kara, she’s back.”

Astra smiled slightly for a moment before taking a breath, “I am glad that you were able to save her, but that doesn’t change things here.” She stepped forward again towards the box. She wished it was anyone other than Alex. Time started to condense somehow and the air was charged with something she couldn’t place. 

Alex stepped forward, her body language spoke of intention but there was an uneasiness in her eyes. “I don't want to fight you, Astra.”

Taking another step towards the box, Astra spoke, “I helped save my niece out of a sense of duty, which can not extend to you.” It was a lie and she knew it as soon as it passed her lips, but she chose this. Now wasn’t the time to stop with her army in place and committed to the mission at hand. 

 

Alex shook her head. Astra knew her lie hadn’t been believed. Alex was stiff and hesitant with her eyes looking between Astra and the piece of equipment in her hands. She pleaded, “That's not why you helped her.” 

Astra went to open the box and Alex fired on her. The were regular bullets but she knew she had to face the agent before she could finish. Alex had rattled her and she flew at her and took her by the throat as a warning.

Alex didn’t fight her grip, brown eyes boring into her. “You love her.” The unspoken, you could love me too, sat between them. “That's how I know your heart isn't in this war anymore.” Her eyes pleaded with Astra. 

“You know nothing of me.” They’d only spoken a few times and maybe she’d been more honest with Alex than she had been with anyone in many years, but it was too late. It was too late for her. A part of her couldn’t understand why Alex didn’t see that. Looking back into Alex’s eyes again was a mistake. There was faith there. She used to see it in Kara’s eyes when she was younger and thought that she was ‘the best aunt in the galaxy’. She’d never quite managed to live up to expectations, but the thought of change lingered on the edge of her mind. She tightened her grip to compensate for the fact she could feel herself wavering. 

Alex’s eyes flickered closed for a moment and Astra hated herself just a little more for hurting her. Her eyes opened again. “I know that you've had plenty of chances to kill me. And to kill Kara. But you haven't. Because you don't want to.” A tear tracked a long line down her cheek. Their eyes met, just as they had so many times before. “Give it up, Astra.” A sob escaped, unbidden. “Help us.”

 

“Alex…” Her hands started to slack, but she was ripped away from Alex before she could let go fully. “I thought all your kind were dead.” Thoughts of Kara and Alex escaped her and she reverted into what she was comfortable with. This was a fight that she could win. They fought over the rooftop and against nearby buildings. This creature would not be her death. Not today. She manages to complete her mission, despite the martians speech about earth being his home. Earth wasn’t his home; she’d know if the humans embraced the being. They did not. They wouldn’t embrace him just like they wouldn’t embrace her. They were too different. She avoided looking too much at Alex during the fight. She didn’t want to see the disappointment in her eyes that she knew would be there as it had been in Alura’s...in Kara’s. Soon she has the green man on his knees. “Fear not, Martian. You will die a soldier's death.” She saw the sword plunge through her chest before she felt it. When the surprise subsided she felt an odd sense of relief. It was over. She wasn’t a general now. She was just a fallen soldier. 

A strangled cry poured from Alex. Her eyes were wide with shock and she looked at her hands in disbelief. She withdrew the sword and looked at it for a moment before she dropped it as though it was on fire. Astra fell to the pavement and Alex followed. “No! No no no no no. God what have I done? Astra! Astra look at me.” Her hands inspected Astra’s torso where the bloodless slit remained in her jumpsuit. Astra was struggling to breathe and convulsions rocked her body. “Oh god. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.” Her hands now took in Astra’s face. Her cheeks and chin and hair. “Fuck! Astra!”

Astra looked up at Alex as she tried to draw breath and reached out for her. “I’m glad it was you.” There was a sense of betrayal but she knew that Alex was a soldier first. She was proud she’d done so well and relieved that she hadn’t had to watch the other woman die —or be the one to kill her. They would better off and safer now with her out of the picture.

Alex sobbed into Astra’s sternum where her wound should be. The superficial had healed, but the internal damage was proving too much. Astra brought her hand up to stroke Alex’s hair gently, but the agent bolted upright again. “No. You do not get to forgive me for this! You do not get to be glad of anything or give up. I won't allow it, Astra. Stay. Stay with me. God, please.” 

Astra wished for a moment that she could just stay in Alex’s arms a little longer. 

Alex spared a second to beckon her sister. “Kara, get over here, now. It’s Astra.” She turned her gaze back on the woman dying in her arms. “Kara’s coming. Stay for her.” Astra’s reached for her cheek and she leaned into it, just as she had that night on the watchtower, letting her lips caress Astra’s palm, comfortingly.

It was hard to stay awake, but Astra tried to. She felt her life drawing away from her. Her breaths wouldn’t fill her lungs enough. She looked up at Alex sadly. She knew that she couldn’t stay with her for long. “I will try, Alexandra.” It was harder to remember things now as Alex leaned into her touch and pressed her lips against her. Why did she have to leave? She had wanted this. She did want this. 

She gasped and her hand fell away. She missed the contact, but was so cold now and her limbs felt stiff. Soon Kara had replaced Alex in front of her and she smiled, “Hello, little one.” She gasped and reached out to touch her niece feeling herself give in to her love for the young blonde, “I'm so happy to see your sister was able to bring you back.” 

“Astra, I have to tell you, when I was under the Black Mercy, you were there.” Tears filled blue eyes. 

“As your enemy.” Even in a dream world, that’s what she would be. 

The young hero sobbed, “As my family.”

Astra smiled and happy tears filled her eyes. It was more than she could have hoped for and for a moment things were clear again. She had to warn Kara. Keep her safe. Keep both of them safe. She reached out and grabbed Kara’s face. “Kara... Kara, listen to me. Non cannot be stopped. If you stand in his way, he will kill you and those you love.” Her eyes flicked to Alex. She could have loved her too. Maybe a part of her already did for all it mattered now. She looked back to Kara. Why was she so dark?

“He said something about, um, Myriad. Tell me, tell me what it is before it's too late. Please.” She pleaded.

She spoke softly. She could barely see her niece, but she had to know. “It already is, little one.” Her part had been played. She gasped and fell back as she couldn’t hold on any longer. 

——————————————————————————

Alex watched the exchange from the pavement a dozen yards away. She couldn't hear what was said, but she could see the sorrow written on Kara’s face. I did that to her. The pain, loss and guilt were bearing down on her until all she could do was drop her head in her hands and weep. It wasn't until she heard Kara openly sobbing that she realized how vulnerable they were. If she was to honor Astra’s legacy at all, she had to protect Kara. And that meant leaving. Right now. “Kara.” She stood, wiped her eyes and squared her shoulders. “Kara, we have to go.” She dragged Kara to her feet, in spite of her clinging to her aunt’s body. “Now. Now!”

“Alex, I can't just leave her. I have to honor her death. I can't let him… I won't… She’s my family. Please.”

“Kara, there isn't time. They're coming.”

“Don't make me leave her to him.” Alex saw the rage bubbling in her sister. That unquenchable anger that only came out when she was panicked and desperate.

Alex closed her eyes and nodded. “Just… hurry, Kara.” And she took off towards the rendezvous point, hoping against hope Kara knew what she was doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're sorry. This isn't the end.


	5. After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We have to try, don't we?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to SVS for the first looks and beta assistance. So much <3

Kara beat Alex back to DEO headquarters, cradling Astra’s body like the most precious of cargo. It was so different than all those months ago, when in a fury she dragged her aunt to this very building by the wrist.

 

By the time Alex found them, Kara had lain Astra on an empty bio-bed in the med-bay for lack of anywhere else to keep her. Alex watched from the doorway as Kara hugged herself tightly, tears streaming down her cheeks with that determined, fight-the-world look on her face.

 

“Kara." Kara’s eyes squeezed shut as though hearing Alex’s voice was too much. She reached out and took Astra’s hand, cold and hard, but still present. And as long as she was present, Kara wouldn’t fall apart.

 

“She was the only other person who remembered me before—our family.” She looked down at Astra’s face.

 

“I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine—” Alex was desperate to put aside her own pain to comfort her sister, but seeing Astra lying prone on that bed, knowing she’d never get up again. It was devastating in ways she wasn’t truly prepared for. “She wanted to be better. She wanted to be better for you." Alex took one step into the room.

 

Kara looked over at Alex and cocked her head to the side, “Then why didn’t she stop? I… “ Her voice broke, “We could have fought together and then...” The happy family scenario in her mind went unsaid.

 

It occurred to Alex in that moment that Kara didn’t know it was Alex who delivered Astra’s death blow. The world collapsed; she had to tell her. It would destroy both of them, but she  _ had _ to tell her. “I tried, Kara. I tried to reason with her. She was going to stop. I promise she was, and then…" Alex felt a stone settle in her throat but she pressed on. She spoke around the pain and the memory and the guilt. “And then J’onn came and…" Alex shook her head and tears dotted her shirt front. 

 

“She was going to kill him Kara. She had him pinned. She could have snapped his neck without a second thought. I had to save him—I had to. He’s… He’s done so much for me, for us. I couldn’t let him die!" The words poured from her. As long as she kept speaking, Kara couldn’t pound her into dust. She tried to take Kara’s hands, but her sister backed away, around to the other side of Astra’s deathbed. “It all happened so fast. I didn’t mean to. The sword was in my hands and then it was in…" She turned to Astra. Cold, grey, lifeless Astra, who just that evening had felt and smelled and been so alive. She placed her hands on Astra’s upper arm and her forehead on her sternum once again. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

 

“ _ You _ killed her?” She looked at Alex disbelievingly. “J’onn said that he… I mean he wouldn’t understand but you’re my sister and she’s my family and you just.” Her breath rang out heavily in the quiet room. “You knew she could be saved and you…” Kara kissed Astra’s forehead and pulled back. “I can’t look at you right now, Alex. Can I at least trust you not to let Lane and his lackey’s dissect her while I’m gone—I need air.” She back away refusing to look anywhere north of Alex’s nose. 

 

“Kara wait!" It came out as a sob. 

 

It was no use. She’d destroyed two lives with the thrust of that sword, three if she counted herself. She wasn’t sure she could. She stood in the middle of the room and trembled from head to toe. She didn’t know what to do. She picked up Astra’s hand and inspected it. Those hands had been so sure when placing bombs and issuing orders, but so very unsure when stroking her cheek and holding her hand. Now they could do neither. Her eyes swept the body before her. She was astonished that, even now, there was so little blood. A small pool beneath her shoulder blade. “There should be more blood.” Alex wondered again. Astra had been injected with liquid kryptonite. How did she survive that, but not this. The blade had not remained in her. Alex had withdrawn it, almost immediately. She turned to Astra and looked at her peaceful face. 

 

“What’s the difference between kryptonite injections and a sword?" She asked the question as though expecting Astra to answer, scientist to scientist. “Why did you die?" Another sob escaped. “Answer me!” she screamed. 

 

Astra couldn’t answer—she knew that, but it gave her an idea. Astra couldn’t answer, but Alura could. Alura’s AI program had a millenia of Kryptonian research stored inside. A tiny flicker of hope sparked in Alex’s heart. She tamped it down, squeezed Astra’s hand and bent to place a kiss on her forehead, just as Kara had done.

 

——————————————

 

The lights came on automatically as Alex entered the room, but she crossed to the control panel and fired up the AI.

 

Alura flickered into being, transparent enough to remind Alex she wasn’t real, but so very like Astra. Alex’s breath caught and she didn’t speak for a long moment. It was the hologram who broke the silence.

 

“How may I assist you?”

 

Alex swallowed heavily and dove in. “Astra was… run through… with a kryptonite blade. She appears to be dead, but I have some reservations about declaring her so until I have some more information on Kryptonian biochemistry, immunity and regeneration." She had kept her voice steady and placid, but it broke at her next words. “I need to know if there is any hope.”

 

“I do not have sufficient data regarding this scenario.” The holographic Alura stated emotionlessly. “No Kryptonians have ever sustained such an injury. Please upload relevant data.”

 

Alex uploaded the meager results that they had from Astra. The hologram paused unmoving for a few moments. “There is little hope for recovery as the heart is beyond repair. A transplant would be required and brainpath degradation has already begun.” 

 

Alex sighed from relief and frustration all at once. The answer had not been no. It had not been yes, but it had not been no. She gave herself a moment of rejoice before she once again let logic lead. “Okay, if we had a donor heart, or if I was able to, somehow, repair the damage to her heart, could we prevent or reverse the brainpath degradation by giving the brain external stimuli?" Alex was spitballing at this point. She didn’t know if any of this was even possible, or what the answer was if the AI gave her an affirmative answer, but she was crossing bridges with no handholds at this point and couldn’t turn back now.

 

“Your technology is not sufficient.”

 

Alex began to pace and whisper to herself. “Using tech we already have, how can I preserve the pathways without a functioning body? Think, Alex." This was breaching mad scientist territory. If she wanted to fix this, she’d have to go there. She’d have to think like Maxwell Lord. The lightbulb came and her eyes snapped back to the hologram. “Can you be overwritten? If I used the holo-link and a brain stimulator, could I get the memories—HER memories before they were gone?”

 

“That is not recommended, but would be possible with modifications.”

 

Alex had helped bring the AI online. She could modify it without too much trouble. The thoughts were coming fast now. The tiny flicker of hope she had extinguished at Astra’s side a few minutes ago flared to life and there was no putting it out now.

 

“Let’s say I could modify it, and we put her in this AI instead of you and I was able to repair her physically…” So many if’s, Alex, she thought to herself. She shook the worried thought off. “Would we be able to get her back after? Give her memories back? Could we reintegrate the simulated brain and the reconstructed body so they worked in sync again?" Alex couldn’t bear the thought of losing the grace, intelligence and strength that made Astra who she was if re-integration failed.

 

“I do not have sufficient data regarding this scenario.”

 

———————————————————

 

It had been a long time since Alex had been able to really get her hands dirty in bioscience. She’d been fighting and training and packing heat for so long that she had almost forgotten the feel of a microscope between her fingertips, the plastic scent of new petri dishes and the sound of slides clicking together. She was in deep now. Her tongue rested between her teeth as she used an eyedropper to measure blood onto the glass slide before fitting it into the microscope.

 

It was a relief, to be fighting for something from a laboratory rather than from a helicopter. Hours went by, she didn’t know how many, before she emerged, hopeful but cautious, clutching a notebook full of chemical equations and chromosomal maps. She could not repair the damage to Astra’s heart, a donor heart would be the only way. She could do it, with delicate surgery and a lot of luck. The brain stimulation would prove trickier, but she had a plan for that too, she just needed sign-off from Hank.

 

As she exited the lab, she ran into Kara’s solid form, dressed in her supersuit, carrying a paper bag that smelled suspiciously like that Chicago food truck. She looked into Kara’s eyes but did not reach out. She saw the bag for what it was, a peace offering, but this was Kara’s step to take, not her own. Alex clutched the notebook to her chest and worried the corner of the cardboard cover. “Hi." The rock was back in her throat, just as it was each time she visited Astra’s body, which was now in stasis in the med-bay.

 

“Here.” She pulled her eyes away from Alex’s and shifted from side to side. 

 

“Thanks." She offered her sister a weak smile. “Look, Kara, I know you’re angry and I’m… horrified by what I’ve done but, I need you to know…” she gripped the bag where it folded at the top, the crunching of the paper breaking up the silence between words. “I- I think I can… fix it. I think I can fix her." Kara shuffled her feet and appeared to be trying to hold back tears. The silence between them expanded and filled the corridor. “Say something, Kara.”

 

“Fix it, how?” She bit her lip and looked up at Alex with a guarded sort of hope. 

 

“I’ve been researching and talking to your mother.” Alex shook her head a bit. “I mean, to her AI. Look, I don’t want to get your hopes up, because it’s still a long shot, but with a heart transplant and using Alura’s AI program as a brain stimulator, I think… I think we can save her, bring her back. She’s still in stasis and if I can make this work very soon, before her brainpaths degenerate any further, she can come back to us… to you. Come back to you." Alex cursed herself for her slip. Kara was not supposed to know how close she and Astra had become. It had been a closely guarded secret over the past few weeks and Alex intended on keeping it that way.

 

If Kara noticed the slip, she didn’t say anything. She took a deep breath, “What do I need to do?” She moved closer to Alex anger fading somewhat from her form. 

 

Relief flooded Alex. The flame of hope grew again. Maybe her relationship with her sister wasn’t damaged beyond repair. Maybe with time and space and a mutual goal, they could get past Alex’s betrayal and fix themselves as well. But it wouldn’t happen overnight and first Alex had to ask Kara to do something that may destroy what was left of her goodness. “I need the heart of a Kryptonian.”

 

Kara blinked, “That’s… “ She swallowed as she paused for a moment, “There’s no other way?” 

 

Alex shook her head and swallowed heavily. “I tried, Kara. Her heart is too damaged. Even if it wasn’t, nobody on earth knows enough about a Kryptonian heart to put it back together after it’s been… split in two." The sob came unbidden. “I can’t save it,” she spoke through her tears, “but a transplant is our best hope. With a new heart, the rest of it could work. I can’t ask you to… but if you find me someone, I’m prepared to… myself." She looked at the floor. 

 

Kara moved forward and pulled Alex into a quick hug before pulling away. “This matters to you? You want her back?” She bent down so she could see Alex’s face where her hair was hanging down. 

 

Once Kara looked into her eyes, the secret could only stay buried so deep. “Oh, Kara.” Alex shook her head. “More than you could possibly know." She pulled Kara into another hug so she wouldn’t have to say anymore into those honest, pleading eyes.

 

Kara hugged her back, relaxing into the hold this time. “We’ll bring her back.”

 

__________________________________________________

 

Kara stood near the doorway as Alex fiddled with the controls of the AI. Alex took a deep breath as she started to override the program. Alura wouldn’t be coming back after this — a sacrifice for the greater good, or at least the greater need. Astra’s stasis pod had been brought out and the holo-interface was resting over her eyes in a way that Alex tried not to linger on. The General looked like a gamer wearing an Oculus Rift and it made her wonder if they were doing the right thing or playing God in a way they shouldn’t. 

 

She tamped that feeling down and got started. She drained the current memory matrix and devoted all of it to keeping Astra’s memories intact, laying down interface node after interface node. The process took hours or careful attention until it was done and they were finally ready to see whether or not they were successful.

 

Alex worked tirelessly. She remembered a moment that Kara laid a hand on her shoulder. “Cat called, I have to go." Alex didn’t spare more than a nod and her eyes never left her work. This was delicate and important. When Kara came back, she would be able to say hello to her aunt again.

 

“Okay, she said to the empty room. Here goes nothin’" She entered a series of commands into the control panel and a hologram sprang to life. It didn’t speak and looked straight ahead, blank expression fixed on her face. It reminded Alex of the Astra she had first met, cold and unfeeling, the consummate General and her heart sank.

 

“Hello, Astra.”

  
  
  


“Alexandra Danvers, you have preserved my brain. For what purpose?” There was no additional programing, just her memories preserved in a cold data matrix. 

 

“We’re trying to save you." It was all Alex could think to say.

 

“That is ill advised.” She stood rigidly with her hands resting together behind her back. 

 

“It’s necessary." Alex was trying to maintain her professional distance, but Astra’s voice was penetrating her the way it always had, cold as she sounded right now. “You didn’t have to die. I’m trying to fix a mistake. You deserve a second chance, Astra and I intend to give you one.”

 

“I’m sorry. That statement is false.” There was no emotion attached to the words, but her statement was absolute. 

 

Alex knew it was stupid to argue with an AI, but she had been arguing with Astra for as long as she’d known her. It was a reflex. “I don’t much care what you believe to be false, or true. This isn’t your decision to make, so you’ll stand there like a good hologram and let me work." It felt good. It felt natural to be her true self with Astra. They’d never been anything but honest with one another.

 

“I have no choice but to comply.” There seemed to be a hint of awareness as Astra shifted her stance and let her hands drop, but it was quickly gone. 

 

Alex cocked her head to the side. There was a flash of… what? A flash of Astra in that voice. Only for a moment, then it was gone, but for a moment Alex could swear she saw a glimpse of the woman behind the machine. “I’m glad we understand each other." Alex abandoned the control panel and stepped closer. She wanted to see Astra, to get closer to her. There was no scent, no presence, but there was her face, and that roguish shock of white and that noble stance. All that was missing was the tense hum of energy that seemed to encompass her very being. “It’s really good to see you again." She was aware she sounded breathy and emotional, but after hours of work to get to this very moment, she didn’t care.

 

“I would have said the same once.” She looked at Alex pleasantly. 

 

It hit Alex harder than she expected it to. It’s just a machine, she told herself. Even if she had memories of the things they shared, she didn’t have any emotional attachment to any of it. Alex fought back the wave of anger and frustration that threatened to drown her and looked up. “How much do you remember?" She sounded to eager. She cleared her throat. “I need to assess your brainpath degradation and determine the extent of your memory retention." She took shelter behind her science and it calmed her slightly.

 

“I do not know what I do not remember. Please specify the information and I will check for you.” She looked blankly at Alex. 

 

A dozen memories of her moments with Astra sped through her mind. She had to think like a scientist, not a woman. “Okay, chronologically, do you remember when I... stabbed you?" She spoke through the stone that had once again settled in her chest.

 

Comprehension and a hint of something else flashed across Astra’s face, “Yes. You chose to save the Martian.” 

 

Alex’s eyes stung with unshed tears at the words. They couldn’t have been more true, coming from an emotionless machine, but the hint of betrayal she was almost sure she detected pricked her and she wanted to explain. “You don’t understand, he— nevermind." She had work to do, so she pressed on. “How about earlier, in my apartment. We were trying to save Kara. Do you remember that?" God, were all of their encounters so… fraught? Yes, she thought, answering her own question. They were.

 

“Yes. I was concerned for Kara.” The emotion came across as a question as though something was missing now. “I did not wish to go, but…” She cocked her head to the side. “It was necessary? That part is unclear.” 

 

“I-” Alex took a step up towards the image standing on the raised pedestal. “I wanted you to stay. I tried to persuade you to come with me, but you wouldn’t." She shook her head and looked away. “You Kryptonians and your sense of duty.”

 

“Duty is honorable.” It was clearly a rote recitation. 

 

Alex rolled her eyes and focused back on Astra’s memories. But as the next moment sprang to her own mind, her heart sped up and she felt a bit dizzy. Her eyes rose to the hologram. “And the watertower?" She took a deep breath. “Do you remember that night, on the watertower?”

 

“We spoke for some time. You kissed me. It was not honorable, though I desired it greatly.” There was that hint of confusion again as the AI tried to make sense of the memories it contained.

 

“Yeah, well, you and I have different definitions of honor, Astra,” Alex remarked bitterly. “I may not be honorable by your standards, but when I see something I want, I ask for it." She climbed the remaining two steps so she stood face to face with the shadow of the woman she still barely knew. “And that night, I wanted you.”

 

“That is a false statement. Alexandra Danvers is honorable.” She looked at Alex dispassionately as though the words she was saying had no connection to the woman in front of her. 

 

Such a harsh reminder that this was not truly Astra drew a strangled sob from Alex. She wiped her tears and smiled through them. “We’ll see. I’ll consider myself honorable when I can make amends for your death and save your life." She reached out without thinking, desperate to lay a hand on that strong jaw. When her hand passed through thin air and the image faltered slightly, Alex’s face crumpled and she moved away, letting the tears fall in earnest now.

 

Astra’s specter stood impassively awaiting the next question. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How far will Alex go to bring Astra back?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to SVS for first reads :D

Alex was awoken abruptly by the sound of the barracks door slamming open. 

 

“Agent Danvers! On your feet!” Hank’s voice rebounded off of the concrete walls. 

 

She scrambled to her feet, hair in her face and wiped drool from her chin.

 

“Good Morning, Sir.”

 

“This is not a good morning, Agent Danvers. I wake up this morning. I get my coffee and then I learn that my second in command deleted a valuable information resource in an attempt to bring back the criminal that she put a sword through the night before who was trying to slit my throat. Am I missing anything, Danvers?” He crossed his arms. 

 

“No, sir, but I can explain. Astra isn’t truly dead and I thought it best that we use all available resources to spare her life. The transfer was successful. She is being held in stasis. As soon as I can procure a donor heart, I will be able to restore her to full function.”  Alex faltered in her military delivery. “I c-can save her, sir. I had to try. For Kara.”  She knew the last was a half-truth. It was never just for Kara, but Hank couldn’t know that.

 

“From the files I read, she’s dead. You seem to think that you can kill someone else and patch her up enough so she won’t stay dead. How do expect to get a ‘donor’ to give you their heart? I know that you’re not telling me the truth behind your reasoning and this violates at least a half dozen laws and about two dozen more regulations.” He took a step forward. “I’m sorry, but I’m shutting this down.” 

 

“Hank!”  He kept walking. “J’onn, please!”  This time she didn’t hide the tears that had been lurking at the back of her throat. She was tired and scared. Hank had always been able to tell when she was at the end of her rope. She suspected that’s exactly the reason he woke her so abruptly this morning. “Please.”

 

“You’ve got 2 minutes to explain what’s actually going on here, Alex. Lord I can ignore, but this… this is something else.” He relaxed his body, stopping just shy of reaching out for her. 

 

Alex looked down, gathering her thoughts and unable to meet his eyes. “Astra had… warmed… to me recently, sir. I believed that she could have been redeemed. We were building something of a… rapport.”  Her courage returned and she looked up at him, eyes shining. “I can’t just let her go, Hank. Not if I have it in my power to save her. She has good in her. I know it, I’ve seen it.”  She took a step closer, her bravery fueled by talking about Astra again. “Goddammit, Hank, I have  _ felt  _ the good in her. I- I can’t just let her go.”  The last word came out as a whisper. “I’m prepared for the actions I need to take and the consequences. Sir.”  She stood at attention, once again.

 

Hank looked at Alex for a long moment before putting a hand on her shoulder. “Your judgement is compromised, but I… if I could bring back my wife or daughters, I would do anything.” He stiffened back up. “You are acting because Astra has essential intel for national security on the program known as Myriad.” He sighed. “Don’t… it is unlikely that this will end the way you want it to, Agent Danvers, but I do wish you luck.” 

 

She deflated as he left the barracks and she collapsed on the bed with her head in her hands. “Christ, Alex, what the hell are you doing?”

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

Alex stood in the armory, looking around at her options. It had been weeks of getting nowhere and they were running out of time. Hank had superiors too and he could only hold them off for so long. 

 

Kara had fought dozens of Kryptonians in that time. Non was heating up his offensive and the battles were becoming more frequent. She thought back to yesterday. Kara had fought hard. The man she’d been fighting had frozen, only for a moment and Alex had taken her shot. One Kryptonite bullet would kill him. She’d aimed and fired. She’d pierced his heart, ruining it. Thier one chance fell to the ground, his heart torn in two, just as Astra’s had been.

 

Kara was inconsolable. Not even movie night and pizza had cured her of her doldrums. “We can’t save her, can we?” she’d pleaded.

 

Alex had shaken her head. “I don’t know, Kara.”

 

She’d spent today with Astra. Their visits had become almost comfortable. As comfortable as one could get with a hologram. The AI was completely open and almost warm if you knew how to phrase the questions. She was honest and frank, as Astra had always been. She frequently told Alex how attractive she was and what was appealing about her. It made Alex blush. 

 

“Shut up,” she told her.

 

“I will not cease speaking, Alexandra Danvers. My statements are factual.”

 

“Sweet talker.”  Alex smirked. 

 

“I do not understand that statement.” The AI intoned. 

 

She asked for stories about Astra’s past and found out that Kara used to run around naked MUCH to her proper parent’s chagrin. Astra would encourage her behind their backs. There was a sense of humor there that she couldn’t wait to see in the living version. 

 

In turn, Alex told Astra of Kara’s adolescent and teen years. Her struggle with the English language and her penchant for practical jokes. She told her of the epic April Fools Day jokes she and Alex pulled on their parents year after year. And while the AI did not laugh, she seemed appreciative of the information.

 

“Kara Zor-El shares more traits with me than with her mother. This was always true.”

 

Standing in the armory, Alex smiled at the memory. She shook her head and focused on her mission. Alex needed a heart and she would get one. She was going hunting.

 

It had taken weeks of work on her part, but she’d devised a plan to capture one of the Kryptonian soldiers. She used some of the Kryptonian technology to devise a wireless energy matrix that should, in theory, disable the device that was worn by Non’s soldiers. The matrix would be wired to emitters that would flood the area with the same kryptonite radiation that they used in their cells at the DEO. With the soldier on the ground, Alex knew what she had to do. 

 

She checked her gear, tightened her holsters and faced the wall of Kryptonite weapons. Her hand hovered momentarily over the sword that had so cruelly ended Astra’s life as they knew it and Alex knew she would never touch that particular weapon again. Instead, she grabbed a gun and the Kryptonite bullets. She’d need protection in case the energy matrix failed. She felt sure it would not. As soon as the devices were disabled, it would only take one good shot to take out one soldier.  _ This is not murder, _ she told herself.  _ I am simply taking the fight to them. How many of our men have been killed by these people in recent months. It’s war, Alex, pure and simple. If you end up with a clean donor heart at the end of this day, more’s the better.  _ The lie she told herself was the only way she would be able to justify what she was about to do to Kara and Hank. She couldn’t ask them to participate. This was her penance for Astra’s death.

 

She made her way silently out of the DEO. She did not see the quick, shadowy figure in blue and red follow behind her.

 

_____________________________________

 

Surprisingly, the mission went according to plan. The matrix activated when she hit the detonation button. The soldier was stunned and there was only one way to find out if the anti-kryptonite badge had been disabled. 

 

Alex lifted her weapon. She aimed for the head, not the heart.  _ He came after you, Alex. He was going to kill you _ . The lie came easier out here, faced with her enemy, but the shot was harder to take than she thought. She aimed, fired and let the angry sob escape her throat as he fell to the ground. She rushed to the fallen soldier. He was already dead, thank God. She could not have watched as he died, the way she and Kara had been forced to watch Astra fade away. A clean shot through the eye. She looked around and began to lift him into a fireman’s carry. It would be a difficult trip back to the jeep, but she would bear this too. 

 

Before she could lift him to settle him over her neck and back, a hand gripped her shoulder. “Let me.”  Kara’s voice was quiet but strong. She wasn’t angry, but the disappointment and fear were clear in her eyes. She lifted the soldier easily so she could still fly with him. “This… it’s too far, Alex. Astra wouldn’t have wanted this.”  Alex looked away. Her sister’s disapproval was almost too much to bear. “It’s done now,” Kara continued. “Let me help you finish it.”

 

Alex nodded, tears in her eyes. “Put him in the med bay and turn the temp down in the room. I’ll meet you there.”  Kara nodded. “Don’t get caught.”  Kara was gone.

 

_______________________________________________

 

The fact that Alex was able to prep both the soldier and Astra for surgery and sneak a set of surgical tools into the med bay without notice was suspicious to Alex. She was sure Hank was both looking the other direction and somehow getting DEO security to look the other direction as well.

 

Surgery took all night and when it was over Alex was wrung-out and jumpy. She watched reverently as Kara said a series of Kryptonese prayers over the soldier’s body and used a burst of superspeed to carry him away. Alex did not know where she took him, nor would she ever ask. Kara was back in minutes, chanting over Astra’s prone form. Alex had never believed in deities, but she said her own prayer to whatever higher power was in charge of lost souls that the loss of hers would at least result in Astra’s recovery.

 

Much later, with Astra back in stasis, Kara flew them both back to her apartment and they fell asleep in the same bed, just as they had so many nights as children after Jeremiah died.

 

_______________________________________________

 

“Hello Astra.”  Alex tried to look at the AI, rather than through her. It was getting easier. It was almost like speaking to Astra herself now.

 

“Hello Alex.” The hologram looked down at the agent. “What do you require?” 

 

“I… have some news. We’ve procured a donor heart and I have conducted your heart transplant. With a little bit of luck, we should be able to speak in person soon.”  Alex tried, god, she tried to keep her voice under control. She tried not to let her hope and fear and guilt color her speech, but the thought of being able to look at Astra, to touch her, proved overwhelming. “I think I’ve saved you, Astra, just as I promised I would.”

 

“Congratulations.” The words didn’t appear to have meaning to her personally. 

 

Alex let out a heartbroken laugh. “Yeah, congratulations.”  She sniffed. “Anyway, I wanted to… say goodbye? I guess. Just in case something goes wrong.”  She climbed the stairs to the plinth where the hologram stood. “If this doesn’t work, you won’t be coming back. You’ll be lost to me forever. I needed to-”  Alex wasn’t sure what she needed in this moment. She needed for Astra to be real and solid. She needed to hold her. “I needed to tell you that-”  The words wouldn’t come. It was too soon for them anyway. “Come back to me, Astra, to us. Please. But if you can’t…” She swallowed heavily. “If this is goodbye, then just know how very much I’ll miss you. How much I’ll treasure every moment.”  She didn’t reach out this time, badly as she wanted to. She couldn’t bear the sensation of touching nothing but empty air and the spark of electricity.

 

“I do not know if I can comply with your request.” Her face froze for a moment as the program tried to process everything that had been said. “Goodbye, Alexandra Danvers.” To Alex’s ears there was an almost wistful tone to the farewell. 

 

Alex held her emotions in check until she shut down the AI. She slid down the wall of the now silent, empty chamber and sat for a moment while a warm tear traced its way down her cheek. She didn’t have time for this. She wiped her face and stood back up. Whatever happened after, this was almost over. 

 

————————————————————————————

 

The sunlamps were warm on the back of Alex’s neck as she began the final piece of her plan. Months of work had gone into this and it was the final moment. The VR interface was hooked up again, having been modified to retrace and strengthen brainwave patterns. She took a steadying breath and turned on the machines. She had to monitor everything closely and reroute if necessary. She barricaded the door and Kara was out causing a distraction. 

 

“Okay, Astra. Just you and me. Ready?”  She listened and watched carefully as the machines worked. Her eyes flashed between the monitors in front of her and Astra’s face, which would show signs of life in minutes if this was going to work.

 

She pressed paddles to Astra’s chest to try and jump start her new heart. She wasn’t sure, but she thought she saw the tiniest breath being taken. It was a tense minute until the monitors picked up on her breathing more steadily. Astra’s eyes began to move behind her eyelids like she was dreaming. It was hard to see around the goggles, but it was there. The interface seemed to be working, but she was having to reroute pathways here and there and she hoped desperately that nothing was being lost as she pressed the buttons. Soon the transfer was complete and she removed the device. 

 

“Astra?”  Alex laid a hand on her shoulder. She detected a slight movement of breath in Astra’s chest. “Astra, squeeze my hand if you can hear me.”  She fumbled for a second, but found Astra’s cool hand and waited for the affirming pressure. It didn’t come. “C’mon, Astra, you’re breathing, now I just need you to hear me. Get that big beautiful brain working again. Squeeze my hand if you can hear me.”  It was another few seconds, but Alex thought she felt a very slight squeeze of her fingers. “Good, Astra. Again. Come on. One more time and I’ll let you rest for a minute, I promise.”  Another squeeze, stronger this time. Alex let out a great sigh of relief. “Oh, thank God. That’s good, Astra. You did so good.”  She stroked her forehead and couldn’t resist leaning down and pressing her own forehead where her hand had just been.

 

Alex stood back up and checked Astra’s vitals and the monitors. Her brainwaves were getting stronger. She was coming back, little by little. She gave Astra a few more minutes to rest, but became impatient. “Astra,” she leaned close. “I want you to try to open your eyes for me. Just try, okay?”

 

The eyelids fluttered and after a few long seconds, opened. Alex’s smile could have lit the world.

 

————————————————————

 

Astra looked up, blinking before slamming her eyes shut again. She couldn’t tell where she was or who she was with. Something seemed wrong, but she didn’t know what that was. It was hard to think. She tried to opened her eyes again and saw a person hovering over her. She couldn’t make out features for a few moments as she tried to focus. A few moments longer and she was greeted with a smile. She knew that face. Alex. She tried to remember what the word Alex meant and why it felt good to see her smiling. 

 

“Hey stranger.”  Alex placed her hand back on Astra’s forehead, squeezing her hand at the same time. “You look like hell, but it’s so damn good to see you.” Her voice broke slightly.

 

Alex. Memories started to float back to her, but they seemed jumbled and out of order somehow. There was… a bar. A dress. Warm lips pressed against hers. She relaxed a little at that. Alex. Her lips ticked upwards slightly and a sense of safety overtook her. Everything was fuzzy, but she remembered caring for the woman hovering over her. 

 

“Can you try to talk, Astra? It’s okay if you can’t, but I’ll need to assess your brain activity and cognitive abilities as soon as possible. The sooner you can try to speak the better, but things may seem confusing for a while.”  Astra opened her mouth, but nothing came out. “It’s okay.” She kept that comforting hand on her forehead, stroking her hair back slightly. “It’s okay, take your time. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Astra swallowed. Her throat felt dry and she tried to wet it and her mouth, but moisture wouldn’t come. What in the world happened to her? She couldn’t recall. Alex’s hand stroking her hair was comforting, though not quite familiar. Still. It kept her from panicking at words that wouldn’t form. She looked around the room. It was wrong. Everything was primitive and shaped oddly. She closed her eyes for a moment and tried to relax, focusing on the hand in hers and the soft reassurances. She took a deeper breath, “Al… ” She couldn’t finish, but she smiled a little wider.

 

“There ya go. Good. Slow. Try again.”  Alex bit her lip, pulling back a smile threatening to emerge.

 

Astra waited for a long moment. She felt drained and thirsty. She remembered being thirsty...in a dark cold place. Always thirsty. She couldn’t quite fit the pieces together and focused on Alex again instead. Alex. Arms wrapped around her. Warmth. “Al… ex.” 

 

Alex let go of her lip and smiled widely as one slid down her cheek. She wiped it away before returning her hand to it’s place on Astra’s head. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s me. I’m Alex. I’m Alex and you’re Astra and I’m so happy to see you.”  She sniffed and let out a small, strangled laugh.

 

Happy. Alex was happy to see her, though she didn’t know where she’d gone. It felt like she’d gone far away for a long while, though that didn’t make sense. Nothing did and trying to piece it together was exhausting. She squeezed Alex’s hand. It was a constant in the swirling vortex in her mind. She swallowed again. “Wha… happ…?” 

 

Alex deflated. She closed her eyes for a moment before taking a breath, “You need to try to remember. Think hard, Astra. I know you’re tired, but I need you to try. Relax and take your time, okay? I’m still right here.” There was a hint of fear in Alex’s eyes. 

 

She thought hard but all Astra could remember was one detail, “Green.” It wasn’t much but it terrified her. She shook as she tried to move closer to Alex. 

 

Alex pushed forward and wrapped her arms around Astra. She held her head against her shoulder, whispering into her hair. “You feel really good, Astra.”  Her eyes widened in surprise at her own admission, but she only held on tighter. 

 

The green faded from her periphery as Alex enveloped her and held her close. It was completely foreign and like coming home all at once. She breathed easier, even as she noticed a tugging pain in her chest like something half healed. That was a clue, but it didn’t matter now. It was okay. The scent of Alex was almost overwhelming, but in the best possible way. For a moment it washed everything aside. She closed her eyes and breathed her in until she heard another voice from further away. 

 

“Aunt Astra?!” Kara moved closer to the bed with a wide smile. Confusion shown in her eyes for a moment as she took in the two women, but she took a breath and smiled wider. “I’m so happy you’re back.” She took Astra’s other hand. 

 

Alex moved away from Astra. She pushed gently and Astra let go. She met Astra’s eyes and smiled like something good was happening. “Astra, it’s Kara.”  She nodded towards her sister. “She can help you remember too.”  Alex looked up at Kara.

Astra tightened her grip on the other woman’s hand as she looked over. The name Kara was important and she felt a great sense of relief as she saw Kara smiling down at her. Kara. Her niece. She smiled, “My Little One...”. She squeezed the hand Kara was holding, finding it a little harder to move now. She yawned and frowned at herself. 

 

Kara looked down at Astra and smiled wider with tears in her eyes, “Yes. Your Little One. I’m here now. I love you and everything will be better now.” She glanced over at Alex. 

 

“Astra,” Alex said, meeting Kara’s watery eyes. “I want you to rest now.” She looked back down at the woman. Astra fought to keep her eyes open, but they were incredibly heavy. 

 

“We’ll work on your memory again when you wake up. Kara will be here. I promise. Just rest now.”  She squeezed the hand still holding so tightly to hers and blinked back tears, once again.

 

“You too?” Astra tried to fight against the sleep claiming her, but she felt almost dizzy and her head was buzzing. She didn’t want to be alone again. It had been so long.

 

“I’ll be right here. You can’t get rid of me that easily, General.”  Alex teased as Astra’s eyes drift closed.

 

“Gener…” She couldn’t complete the confused thought as she slipped into unconsciousness, her brain patterns slowly reigniting as the sun lamps infused her in her sleep. 

  



	7. Green Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astra tries to piece everything together while Alex tries to keep things from falling apart.

_ It was the same sound over and over like something tearing, but wet. It had to do with her, but she didn’t know how. Astra ran down a long hallway. The setting changed from Krypton to Earth and back again, but Astra wasn’t concerned with that. They were both the same in her mind.  _

 

_ A rustling noise caught her attention. It was back again. The shadowy figure bathed in green that that came the sound. It couldn’t happen again. What ‘it’ was had no tangible meaning beyond the cold sweat dripping down her back and a pain in her chest. She tried to open the doors as she passed them, but they were all sealed. She tried to force the door, but it wouldn’t budge. It cost her time and she cursed herself. The figure was closer now.  _

 

_ She cried out for help but no one came, her voice echoing around her. The green light was brighter as the figure advanced. It was in their hand— _

 

———————————————————————

 

Alex roused as she felt Astra thrashing. Alex had been watching her sleep for hours before her head started to droop and came to rest beside the sleeping General. Alex pulled back and tried to ascertain what was happened. Astra was trying to scream, but only whimpers and pained grunts came out. Alex stood, assessing the best way to bring Astra out of her nightmare. She wasn’t sure if the woman’s powers were back yet and if they were, an ill-placed shake could send Alex careening into the nearest wall.

 

“Astra." She started with a gentle shake. “Astra, wake up." The thrashing continued. It was punctuated by the occasional word.

 

“Green. Doors. Shadow. No.”

 

“Astra. Come on. Wake up." She shook Astra’s shoulder a bit harder. Astra’s face contorted. Alex backed up to rethink her tactics. She took Astra’s hand and squeezed. “It’s ok. You’re safe. Wake up. It isn’t real.” The last thing Alex wanted was for Astra to suffer more. Kara left after being called in by Cat, but Alex had been keeping watch and making sure the woman was really there and breathing in front of her. 

 

Alex laid her hand on Astra’s sternum, shaking with a bit more force than before. Her voice grew louder and a bit desperate. “Astra! Wake up! You’re safe. I promise. I’m right here." With one final shake, Astra’s eyes flew open and she took in a deep shaky breath. “Oh, thank god." Alex smiled in relief. “Hi.”

 

Astra stared up at the woman looking down at her. Her eyes shone with fear before she blinked it away, recognition coloring her features. “Alex…” Her eyes closed for a moment as her breathing slowed. She opened them again after a few moments and the corners of her mouth tipped up in a shy smile. “You stayed.” 

 

“Of course I stayed." After months of hoping and praying, Astra was alive and with her. She wouldn’t be anywhere else. At least until Astra sent her away. Alex couldn’t resist brushing the hair back from Astra’s forehead. “Wanna talk about it? Seemed pretty intense.” 

 

Astra opened her mouth to speak before closing it again, her face pulling back into something closer to her usual mask. “I… it was just a dream. It has no relevance.” She tried to sit up, struggling a bit. “I was injured, yes?” She stretched her limbs slowly. 

 

“Careful. Take it easy." She supported Astra as she sat up. Alex sighed. She knew this conversation was coming. Someday Astra would remember fully. She’d been preparing herself for it, but she still wasn’t ready. She closed her eyes. “Yes, you were… injured. Gravely injured." It was as far as she was prepared to go in the moment, but the questions were coming. Alex could practically hear them echoing in Astra’s mind. 

 

“Where is this place?” Her eyes darted around the room and narrowed in almost recognition. “I would like to leave.” Her eyebrows scrunched together. “I don’t believe it to be safe. There was…” She trailed off and clenched her jaw. No more words found their way out, but Astra’s hand brushed against Alex’s for a moment before she pulled it away and threaded her fingers together as if to keep them still.

 

Alex welcomed Astra’s affection, knowing her permission to be close might be short-lived. She wrapped an arm around Astra, pulling her even closer. It was too close to perfect and caused her heart to clench painfully. “You’re safe here. I promise." 

 

Alex’s gaze wandered the room. She struggled with how much to reveal to Astra and how much she needed to remember on her own. She wondered if a selfish part of her was holding her back from revealing everything, but the doctor in her knew that too much information would be an overload. There was so much to cover. “You have experienced some trauma here, but that was before. It isn’t like that anymore. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

 

Astra’s head fell softly onto Alex’s shoulder. She shifted for a moment before relaxing again. “I believe you. I think I’ll be happy when we can go elsewhere, however.” She kept her focus on Alex.

 

“Soon." Alex squeezed Astra’s shoulder and laid her cheek on the crown of her head. She’d held Kara like this a thousand times. She felt warmth and comfort spread from the place where they touched and it settled her. The guilt and shame that had been gnawing at her edges retreated just a bit and she let herself sink into the memory of Astra’s scent, her feel, her presence. “When you’re strong enough, you’ll be staying with Kara, at least for awhile.”

 

“We don’t live together.” The disappointment was easy to read in her voice and Alex bit her lip, wishing she could say that they did—that they’d made it that far. Astra’s hand went up to cup Alex’s face. Her movements had grown a bit steadier and she traced her thumb along Alex’s cheekbone with only a slight bit of shaking. “But I… remember this.” 

 

Alex’s eyes slipped shut and she covered Astra’s hand with her own. Her breath left her all at once. “I… I didn’t want… I wanted you to remember on your own." She opened her eyes and they met Astra’s. “It’s new." She squeezed Astra’s hand against her cheek, entwining their fingers. “It’s real,” she breathed. “But new." Without knowing, her face had drawn closer to Astra’s. Her heart raced. She should tell her about her husband, about what she’d done with the sword, remind her that they weren’t supposed to be here, but she couldn’t. It would only hurt both of them, and all told, Alex was lousy at being selfless in moments like this. She wanted Astra and she had to believe that deep down Astra felt the same way. She couldn’t make herself pull away, so she leaned forward instead.

 

Astra’s head tilted and she met Alex halfway, pressing their lips together. Astra pulled back with a small gasp and searched Alex’s face before pressing their lips together again more firmly.

 

Alex deepened the kiss. She poured every ounce of guilt and shame and longing into her kiss. She memorized the feel of Astra in her arms, the way she sighed into her mouth, her softness, her strength. Her hands held Astra’s face, thumbs stroking high cheekbones. Her stomach clenched pleasantly. She wished silently for the feeling to last forever. They’d had so little time before it all went so horribly wrong, but now Astra was here and kissing her back. She held on tighter. 

 

It was Astra who pulled away first, panting. “That was…” She looked into Alex’s eyes as her hands ran over Alex as though she was afraid the other woman might disappear. “I am glad you are here.” Alex could see the depth in her eyes as she spoke. 

 

Alex smiled. Her eyes raked Astra’s face. “I’m glad you’re here too." She was fighting back tears. She’d spent too much time crying. She was going to grasp every moment of happiness she could in case it all slipped away again. She looked around the grey, sparse room again before her gaze returned to Astra. This wasn’t a place to rest and get better. “Whattaya say we bust you outta here?" She punctuated the question with another kiss.

 

A wide grin stretched across Astra’s face. “I would like that, though I fear I will not be of much aid in busting through anything at present, though I remember breaking walls in the past.” She stared at her hands for a moment before returning her gaze to Alex. 

 

Alex winked. “Sometimes, brains are better than brawn, General." She pulled a radio from her belt. “Suze, what’s the guard to scientist ratio out there?”

 

There was a slight pause. “About even, at the moment. Most of the muscle is distracted with a minor cell breech. Nothing you need to worry about, ma’am.” Vasquez anticipated her question.

 

Alex nodded. “Do me a favor and buy me two minutes. You probably want to be facing away from med-bay for the next few minutes, for plausible deniability.”

 

Another pause. “Bring me cronuts in the morning and we’ll talk.”

 

Alex rolled her eyes. “Extortionist. Fine. Gimme a go when the coast is clear." Alex grabbed Astra’s hand and pulled her to her feet. “Can you walk? I’ll help you.” Astra nodded warily. 

 

At Susan’s soft “Go” through the radio, they made a break for it. Alex wrapped her arm around Astra’s waist and shuffled her through to the entrance of the DEO and out into the warm California night.

 

——————————————————

 

Astra drew in a deep breath. The open spaces made it easier to breathe. “I… it’s better out here.” She wet her lips. “I don’t know why you call me a General, but should we make haste? I… that was a prison and I… I don’t like being locked up.” Her voice wavered slightly as memories of a dark, endless night came back to her. 

 

“Yeah, this way." She bundled Astra into her car, even buckling her seat belt with a kiss. Once they were on the road, Astra felt herself begin to relax. It was as though the proximity to the that place was constricting her somehow, and the further away they got, the looser her bonds became. Alex reached across the seats to clasp her hand. “Feel better?" Alex smiled warmly.

 

She gripped Alex’s hand, not understanding what had happened, but glad to be away all the same. “I do feel better.” She looked out the window. “I like the stars.” A memory filters back to her. “I used to teach Kara the different stars.” Her brows furrowed in concentration. “It’s strange. I cannot remember what we said. It’s all these odd sounds.” She wet her lips. “I hope I remember more soon. I feel like there’s some sort of trouble we’re in and I wish to be useful.” Her eyes drifted down to where her hand was joined with Alex. “If I just found you, I don’t want to lose you.” She could only make small assumptions about her life before and from what she could tell, there were only two people who mattered: Alex and Kara. 

 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Alex reassured her, but Astra noticed how she was quick to change the subject. “Kara will be thrilled to see you. She was… really happy when you got better. Maybe she can take you stargazing." Alex ran her thumb over the back of Astra’s hand as she spoke. “Kara will help you remember too, Astra. Talk to her." She glanced over. “Let us help you.”

 

Astra sighed in frustration. They wanted to help, but it was her own brain that was failing her. They couldn’t give her her memories back. “I would enjoy talking with her. We… she was lost. I… she was small and then she was grown.” Her face fell at the prospect of missing time with her niece. “I do want to remember, however...” She bit her bottom lip. “What kind of person was I? Am I? Kara was good. Her mother, my sister, she—she was good.” She swallowed thickly. Even as she asked the question, she knew the answer. “I wasn’t good, was I?”

 

Alex sighed “Good is relative, Astra. You… did what you thought was right. You and Kara… you disagreed. I’m in no position right now to judge your actions, but… you hurt Kara, deeply." Astra’s face fell. “That doesn’t make you a bad person." Alex looked out at the ribbon of highway disappearing underneath of them for a long moment before speaking again. “Kara always saw the good in you. She helped me see the good in you." Alex smiled fondly. “She’s a better person than both of us.”

 

Her grip on Alex’s hand tightened. The words stung, but as soon as Astra had asked the question she knew the answer on some level. A circle of concrete filled her mind. Her sister, Alura, that was her name. She was tied up and Alura was sending her away. “I… know I was right. I was trying to save everyone, but I failed. They all died.” She swallowed and looked ahead of them seeing far out into the darkness. “I don’t know what happened after, but Kara was always so bright, like her star. I don’t understand why I’d hurt her.” Her voice was strained. She looked over at Alex not knowing why the other woman seemed so fond of her. She knew in a detached sort of way that she wasn’t fond of herself. 

 

As the desert gave way to the lights of the city, Alex reached up and stroked Astra’s cheek. “I wish I could explain but it isn’t that simple. Even through all of your disagreements, Kara never gave up on you. She never stopped loving you. And you love her too." Astra watched a tear trace it’s way down Alex’s face. “You still call her ‘Little One’ and you look at her as though she placed her star in the sky by herself." They turned down city streets, though Alex seemed barely aware of them. “And when she thought nobody was looking, she looked at you like you hung the moon. She pulled up to the curb outside of a warehouse that was occupied with people rather than packing crates. She parked the car and turned to face Astra in her seat. “All of those things are in the past, Astra. When you… got hurt, all of those things melted away. Kara was beside herself, and now that you’re back, she just wants to know you again." 

 

The glow of the city was bright and her eyes tried to adjust from staring out into the darkness of the desert. “I do love her.” Her eyes watered at the knowledge that her niece still loved her back. It wasn’t something she’d talk about in front of anyone she wasn’t close to. Those things weren’t discussed, though it seemed silly and she didn’t know why that was the case. 

 

She could faintly hear Kara’s heart beating in an apartment upstairs and she had no idea what she was going to say to the girl once she got there. What if she messed up? Kara wanted to know her, but she didn’t know herself now with pieces coming back in fits and starts. She found herself knowing things more than remembering them directly as though the information in her head were facts stripped of all of their meaning. She brought her focus back to Alex. Things felt easier when she let everything except those hazel eyes fall away. Whatever she had been before she was hurt, Alex had wanted her. She remembered them being together and it had felt good. It still did. 

 

Alex pulled Astra to her and their foreheads met. “I’m going to take you upstairs. She’s going to wrap you in one of her famous Kara hugs and the two of you are going to eat a refrigerator full of food and talk all night." She ran a thumb over Astra’s bottom lip. “I’m going to kiss you goodnight here, because Kara doesn’t need to know about this yet. Okay?”

 

Astra let Alex pull her close, the proximity relaxing her for a moment before Alex spoke. She was nervous to spend so much time having to speak, but her stomach dropped as Alex mentioned she wouldn’t be staying. It was worse as Alex told her to lie to Kara. “She doesn’t know?” was what came out. That she was with Alex was the one piece of her life that she was sure of and felt secure in as everything swirled around her. She felt very strongly for Alex; she loved her. The why and how and details were absent, but that fact remained and unlike the others, this one made sense. Alex treated her as though they were at least betrothed. She pulled back trying to regain some semblance of dignity. 

 

“Astra, I… I haven’t really known how to tell her. Please, just… kiss me and I promise, I’ll tell her when the time is right.”

 

Astra’s face fell. She leaned forward and pressed their lips together for a less than a second before clenching and unclenching her fists as she pulled away. She might deserve to be kept secret, but she didn’t think that Alex would and it threw her off balance. “We should go up.” 

 

Alex was stricken. She tilted Astra’s chin up and met her eyes. Eyes that had once been so sure and strong and unwavering, now held fear and uncertainty. “Astra…” She looked into the other woman’s eyes and steeled herself for the aftermath of what was about to come. “I’m sorry. I was selfish and scared that I’d never see you again. I wanted to hold on to you for as long as I could, but it’s not fair to you." Confusion shown in Astra’s eyes and Alex averted her gaze. “There are some things you need to know. They’ll… help you remember." Alex cleared her throat and tears started to form in her eyes. “First of all. You’re married, to someone else. To a man. Non. He’s Kryptonian, like you. Like Kara. So, our kisses, the way we feel about each other, it’s…" It took a moment for Alex to finish as she started and stopped a few times, searching. “It’s impossible.” 

 

An affair. Astra’s let her face turn into a stony mask as she tried to process. She shook her head and tried to remember the person she was supposed to be married to. She couldn’t pull up any distinct images of him, but the thought that she was married felt true. She couldn’t reconcile that with the comfort and warmth and energy of the woman standing before her, offering her something that felt very much like love. She wanted to ask if Alex loved her—if they were planning to run away together. She started to before another thought flitted across her mind. This wasn’t the only thing Alex had been keeping from her. “And the second thing?”

 

Alex extracted herself from Astra’s presence and crossed the sidewalk, leaning against the brick of the reclaimed warehouse. In as loud a voice as she could muster, but still barely audible she said, “I killed you.”

 

Astra blinked, “You...I was dead.” She put her head in her hands. It made sense. The stars had moved and the air felt different. “You...killed me and then...how long was I gone? It…the green light in my dreams...” She trailed off. Nothing was what it had seemed and the one person she thought she could trust killed her and then what? She put a hand up to her chest. Something felt very wrong. 

Alex wouldn’t meet her eyes. “It was… a Kryptonite sword." She shook her head and continued. “I was defending someone I love. I shouldn’t have…" Alex was having trouble finding the words. It came out in a confusing jumble. She took a deep breath, and lifted her eyes to the sky, hoping to find the strength Kara always found there. “You were… gone… for a few weeks. You needed a transplant and I needed a heart. When I found one…” she finally met Astra’s eyes. “I saved you." Astra shook her head in disbelief. “I never meant for any of this to happen, but when it did... I couldn’t let you go.” Tears were escaping Alex’s eyes and she wiped at them angrily. “I needed for you to never look at me exactly the way you’re looking at me now. God, Astra, I just needed you to be alive, even if you never forgive me." Alex slid against the building until her elbows rested on her elbows, head bowed, head in her hands.

 

Astra took a few steps back, horror darkening her features. She had been dead for weeks and Alex had just...brought her back through some perversion of science that that the Science Council would never approved of. Conflicting emotions tore through her and her head started to ache. She put her hand over her eyes. She remembered dying. It was dark and cold and Rao’s light was nowhere to be seen. She opened her eyes again and shook her head to clear it. “ I…forgave you for killing me, but I’m not…I had accepted my death, but a part of me wanted to stay with you.” She stepped closer so she was standing next to Alex. “I don’t think this was the right way to achieve it, but only time will tell.” She looked down and nudged Alex with her foot so she’d look up at her, tear stained cheeks and red rimmed eyes took the edge off of the anger in her chest. “I don’t hate you, Alexandra.” It wasn’t much, but it was all she could offer. Astra walked in and went to see her niece, hoping for a moment that she was dreaming and things would fall back into place soon. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you steathwriter for giving this some much needed beta'ing and to the readers for being patient with us being slow on getting this out.


	8. Making Sense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astra has a heart to heart with Kara and tries to make sense of everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a long time coming, but we hope that you enjoy the chapter. The final chapter will be up in a few days.

Kara sat waiting in her apartment, staring at her phone. Her hair was damp from her shower. Work and a minor jewel heist had kept her occupied for much of the day. She was hoping to hear from Alex about her Aunt and how she was doing after the procedure. The past couple of months had been brutal and she knew that there was still so much that could go wrong if her memory was affected. She wasn’t sure that Alex could take it if something went wrong. She wasn’t sure about herself either. She heard a soft knock at the door and looked for a moment through the entryway to see her aunt on the other side. 

In less than a second, Kara flung the door open and threw herself into her aunt’s arms with little thought to comfort, her own strength or Astra’s current compromised state. “Aunt Astra! I’m so glad you’re here! Come in! I have a ton of food and Alex said you might want a shower and rest, so if you need to do that before we talk, that’s okay. I’m just so happy to see you. Where’s Alex? Didn’t she drop you off?" 

Astra let out a soft ‘oof’ sound as she was impacted, “Easy, Little One. It will be a time yet before I’ll be at strength again.”

Kara was babbling and scurrying about the apartment, arranging blankets and pillows in the living room and plates and silverware on the kitchen island, dragging Astra by the hand without a second thought. She thought she had a little longer to get everything ready. She stopped as she realized what Astra said. 

“Oh, okay. That’s… weird… I guess." Kara gave her aunt an appraising look. She looked tired, deflated. Kara had never seen Astra like this—small and shy and unsure. She had always been so confident, such a leader. It was as though the larger-than-life aunt she had loved so, had been replaced by a stranger. Kara allowed her mind to slow and focused on what the frightened woman before her might need. It was Kara’s turn to be strong. “Astra. What can I do?”

Astra looked around the small apartment. “I… I’d like a shower and then to rest. Maybe we could share a meal?” 

Kara could tell that she was holding back, but now wasn’t the time to press. Kara smiled gently. “I’d love that. Follow me." She led Astra down the hallway to the tiny bathroom. “Fresh towels and a washcloth. Feel free to use anything you see. I… didn’t know how long you were staying, so I got you a new toothbrush and hairbrush and some other things I thought you might need. There’s new pajamas on the counter and…” she took a breath when she saw Astra getting overwhelmed. “Sorry." She giggled sweetly. “I get carried away. You can have my room to rest in when you’re done, or you can come see me on the couch." She leaned up and pecked Astra on the cheek. “I missed you, Aunt Astra.”

Astra put an arm tentatively around Kara as though she might slip away. Kara noticed her leaving an opening if the hug was unwanted. When Astra reached out, Kara’s heart swelled. She fell into the embrace. 

Astra gave her a small smile. “I missed you as well, Little One, though I know it was...hard in my absence.” Her death. 

“You’re here now. That’s what matters." She tucked her forehead against her aunt’s shoulder, as she had when she was a child. She fought back her tears. Astra had always told her not to cry. She sniffed, lifted her head and wiped her eyes. “Get cleaned up. Take as long as you need. I’ll warm up the food as soon as you’re ready to eat.”

Astra brought her other hand around Kara in the familiar embrace and ran her fingers through Kara’s hair like she had when Kara was a child. She smiled sadly down at Kara and kissed her forehead, to complete the ritual. Kara felt warm that she remembered that much, even if she seemed skittish. 

“Of course. I’ll be out shortly.” Astra said as she walked toward the bathroom. 

Kara texted Alex while she waited for Astra.  
*Why did you leave? She’s terrified.*  
*I just thought the two of you would want some time together*  
Kara was confused by this but decided Astra was enough to deal with without having to handle her guilty, headcase of a sister tonight too.  
*Alright, see you tomorrow, I guess.*  
*Sure, Sis. Sleep well.*  
*Night*

She went about plating up the food and pulling up a mindless, funny, innocuous movie on the television before tucking herself into the couch to wait.

It was almost 45 minutes later before Astra joined her again looking smaller somehow when she was clad in one of Kara’s matching pajama sets. Astra sat down on the opposite end forcing a what Kara thought was supposed to be a smile as she sat. “Thank you. I was able to find everything.” 

In silence, finally having gained control of her misplaced energy, Kara rose, gave Astra’s dish of pad thai a quick zap with her heat vision and handed her the heaping plate and a fork. “There’s more where that came from." She knew one plate wouldn’t be enough for either of them. She settled back in her seat with her own plate and gave a twinkling grin as she dug in with relish, giving Astra permission to eat as much as she wanted.

“Thank you.” Astra took a small bite of the food before eating in earnest. It had a mechanical quality that worried Kara, thought worries for Astra’s physical state were eclipsed by Kara’s uncertainty about what came next. 

Kara’s mind was racing. She knew they had much to discuss, but she hesitated to ask. She didn’t know what to ask, or how to ask or how much to ask. She was unsure if Astra would be willing to begin the conversation, or if they were destined to share this awkward, quiet camaraderie until Astra felt strong enough to leave her. Would they return to being enemies? Would Astra be angry with her again? Could she forgive Alex? Could Kara? Kara’s years working for Cat had taught her much about reading body language and facial expressions, but this Astra was a mystery to her. She couldn’t decipher the dull fear in her eyes or the deliberate, careful movements or the tentative speech patterns. It was as though she had landed on Earth all over again, ignorant of her surroundings. And if she felt like a stranger in her own home, Astra must feel more like an alien than she ever had. “I... " Kara sighed. “I don’t really know where to start, Astra.”

Astra put her fork down on her plate with a clink, “I am unsure as well. My memories are not...complete. It is hard to determine what’s happened and what are just my own thoughts. I know I was dead and then I wasn’t…” She looked back down at her plate and moved the food around for a moment. “I disappointed you...hurt you and I can’t really remember why.” 

Kara sighed again and set her plate aside. To hell with Alex’s demand that she let Astra remember on her own. Kara was going to tell her what she clearly wanted to know. She’d had enough of this unsure, confused version of her formidable aunt. “We hurt each other. We were on opposite sides of a war, Astra. We both wanted to protect this planet. We had… different ideas of exactly how to do that. You were so angry and so was I." Kara smiled. “Mother always said I got my angry streak from you." Kara fell back on an old habit, tearing at her fingernails and avoided eye contact. “I thought I could change you, convince you to join our side, but I ran out of time. Alex said she tried too, but never gave me any details." She looked up and sought out Astra’s eyes. “You put your plan in motion and… Alex did what she had to do." Kara sniffed. “I wasn’t there. If I had been there if I had been faster. If Non hadn’t fought me so fiercely. None of this ever would have happened." Her cuticles became fascinating again.

**********

Astra took what Kara was saying in. It was overwhelming and foreign in the same way that everything was since she left Alex’s side. She was quiet for a moment, trying to remember the details of why she hadn’t been on Kara’s side. “I only remember pieces. I...I know why I wanted to save Krypton and I can’t help but think I was right as it’s gone now, but I don’t know what I was choosing on this planet or why. I don’t think I wanted to fight anymore…” Parts of the night came back to her. “Alex told me my heart wasn’t in the fight and I don’t think she was wrong. I was...glad that it was over—that we wouldn’t be fighting anymore. I just…” She held onto the plate tightly. “I remember everything as facts, but they don’t add up. Only a few of them have any feelings attached, I feel like I’m reading my life from a data cube.” She clenched her jaw. “I...love you. I can feel that and I can’t see why I did anything else. I don’t blame you for anything. I just don’t know who I am.” The plate shattered in her hands. “Alexandra told me I was married and I can’t even remember his face.” 

Kara sprang into action, gathering the remnants of the plate and with a burst of superspeed it was as though it had never happened. When Kara sat back down, she was closer to Astra, clasping her hands. “Then we start over. You will remember, Astra, I promise. I can’t say I’m thrilled at the idea of you rejoining Non, but…” she clenched her teeth. “He is your husband and I will pay him the respect Yuda demands."  
She gave the hands cradled in hers a squeeze. “As for the rest, it’s in the past and I think we can forgive each other and move forward." 

Astra felt her heart swell as Kara talked of starting over and giving her a chance to be a family again. She swallowed as she realized that meant doing something about the husband that Kara talked so unenthusiastically about her being reunited with. It made her curious about who he was. She got a flash of some cold feeling but that was it. 

Kara kept going with a smile. “And I love you too. We’re family. And whether on Krypton or Earth, family has always been the most important thing in my life." 

Kara squeezed her hands again and Astra felt a genuine smile that Kara was willing to forgive her and move on. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’m glad to have it and you’ve never needed mine.” She smiled wider as Kara told her she loved her. “I don’t want to fail you this time.”

Kara was quiet for a moment and appeared to be struggling with something. Astra waited with bated breath to hear if there was something other atrocity of something that she’d done wrong. 

Kara spoke softer than before, “Try to forgive Alex too, Astra. Please. For me. She was… destroyed by what she did to you. I’ve never seen her like that. She sacrificed so much to bring you back." The tears returned. “I… love you both and it’s important to me that you at least try.”

A slight gasp escaped Astra and a wry laugh escaped her at the irony. She hadn’t made it a minute before they got to something that she would fail her niece in. Her face fell as she took in Kara’s sadness. “I never blamed her for killing me. Before you arrived, I told her that I was glad it was her who had done it.” She pulled her hands away and balled her hands into fists, “But this...what I am now...what she made me think after I woke…” She snapped her mouth closed, realizing she’d said too much. “It was not right.” 

Kara’s brow wrinkled in confusion. “Made you think… what?" Kara looked at her like she was a pitiful creature. “Whatever it is, Astra, I want to help you.”

Pain showed clearly in Astra’s eyes. “I should not have said that. It…” She sighed. “I believed things to be different than they were. I do not believe that you can help me as there is nothing to be done.” She was married as much as she wished she wasn’t. 

“ Aunt Astra…" Kara started but stopped herself. She shook her head and changed the subject. “Tell me what you do remember.”

“About what?” She swallowed. “I remember a lot of things, they’re just...it’s like I know about them rather than experienced them. It’s strange. I remember more of what happened recently than in the past.” She wet her lips. “My memories of Krypton are fuzzy somehow. I can remember what conversations were about, but all of the words are just sounds.” 

Kara nodded. “I think that might be an acclimation thing. I lost Kryptonese for months shortly after I moved in with the Danvers. Kal-El insisted I speak English and nobody else spoke Kryptonese, so it just… went away." Kara took Astra’s hand but did not look at her. “It’s strange. It… came back, in pieces. I woke up from a dream one morning speaking entirely in Kryptonese." She chuckled softly. “Alex was ready to have me committed, but I think she just wanted me out of her room, and the house, and her life." Astra squeezed her hand. She knew and felt keenly how much she’d missed of Kara’s childhood and she hated that she wasn’t there for her to be a connection to home. 

“Anyway, I was so excited to have it back that I spent an entire weekend teaching the Danvers Kryptonese verb conjugations. To this day, Alex speaks better Kryptonese than Kal-El." She shrugged.

Astra clenched her fist. She hadn’t realized that what she’d lost was her language. She tried to recall a few phrases, but there were a few names here and there she recalled. Nothing more. She felt a pang at how easily Kara spoke of her sister. Alexandra spoke more of her tongue at this point than she did. “Alexandra is very intelligent and your cousin never struck me as such.” She thought for a moment. “He stranded a bus on top of a mountain once when he first began. It took him longer to acclimate than it took you.” She smiled as she was able to bring those facts up. 

Kara took a deep breath looking like she was having some sort of internal debate. “Astra, you’ve spent more time with Alex during your recovery than anyone else. Is there some reason you don’t want to talk to me about her? Did you guys argue or something? Every time I’ve brought her up tonight, you’ve changed the subject.”

Astra looked at Kara, “We had an argument just before we arrived here. Before that...we were not arguing.” She fought the juvenile urge to bring her fingertips up to her lips as she remembered the way it had felt to kiss Alex.

Kara stood clearing the remnants of their meal and putting the leftover food away. Kara looked disappointed and Astra felt a stab that she’d let her down somehow. It was a few minutes before Kara spoke again, “I know we’ve haven’t shared much since I was a child. I know you hid a lot from me then and we kept secrets when you turned up in my life again, with your army of our people hell bent on killing me. I know you still see me as your ‘Little One’...” She squeezed her eyes shut and continued. “But I’m not a child anymore and I thought things would be different." 

Astra took a breath, wanting to reassure Kara that she knew she wasn’t a child. That she was strong and brave and everything Astra had hoped, but Kara cut her off before she could speak. “I lost you, Aunt Astra. You died. In my arms. And now, thanks to my sister, whose name you can barely utter, you’re sitting in my living room still hiding things. I thought we could be a family, but…" Kara’s voice cracked and disappeared into the kitchen without finishing.

Astra watched as Kara walked into the Kitchen, pausing only a moment before going after her. She couldn’t lose Kara—not now after everything. She found Kara in front of the sink and put a hand on her lower back. “Kara…” She steeled herself. She might lose her niece if she said what happened, but she definitely would if she didn’t try. “I…I knew your sister before I died. We…spoke at length on several occasions. She…fascinated me.” Astra moved back and looked down at her feet. “I didn’t understand why, but I wanted to know things about her. I’d make sure I was in her general area. We would banter… then it was a little more than that.” She tried to remember everything she could and found it coming back easily and in so much more detail than her other memories. “I told her things I hadn’t told anyone and she… kissed me.” 

Kara’s jaw dropped. “Kissed? Alex? You?" She looked dazed. “You and Alex… have kissed…”

“Yes.” She kept her eyes lowered. “I did not wish to disclose this fact, but I could not disappoint you again by hiding it. That was what Alexandra and I fought over...I thought we were together and didn’t understand why it was it was some sort of secret...” Her cheeks flushed scarlet in a rare display. She felt ill. 

“Oh my god,” Kara said reverently. “You’re in love with her." Kara shook her head. “Well, I can’t say I’m not surprised, but, Astra, there’s something you need to know about human love." She stepped closer and met Astra’s eyes. “Humans love who they love, regardless of matches or compatibility or convenience. Kryptonians have difficulty understanding human love because we’ve spent so many centuries putting compatible pairs together and asking Rao for guidance." 

Astra started to pull away, but Kara kept her rooted in place as she continued. “Human love is messy, Astra, but when it’s given and taken freely, it is so very worth it." She cleared her throat. “If my sister has chosen you, it tells me only that you are special enough to have won her heart. She… doesn’t love easily." Kara pulled her into a hug, softer than the one before at the door. It was warm. Everything swirled wildly inside her head. She had expected Kara to be disgusted with her. 

Astra bit the inside of her cheek hard to stop her eyes from watering and she only partially succeeded. She let herself cling for long moments as Kara drew her in. “You make it sound so easy.” She pulled back. “How does the way I feel change my circumstances? I don’t remember my husband, but I know that I have one.” She couldn’t remember him, but she remembered how new the way Alex made her feel was. How she wanted to hold onto it because it was like nothing she had ever known. 

“I wish I had an answer for you.” Kara shrugged. “Every fibre of my being is telling me to pay Non homage and address him with the respect owed him by his connection to you. It’s practically a biological imperative. But the part of me that grew up watching Eliza and Jeremiah Danvers love each other fiercely, even after he disappeared into the jungle; the part of me that has seen countless friends fall in love, get married, create children together; the part of me that is drawn to someone I can’t have, regardless of their ability to want me in return; that part of me knows that your husband was never chosen for his ability to love you and knows that you deserve so much more than him." Tears pooled in Kara’s eyes. 

Astra couldn’t hold back her own tears as Kara spoke of love and the differences between the two worlds. She had always been of Krypton. It was never a question, but now...Krypton hadn’t wanted her and while it was damned for it, she’d been exiled for all time. A part of her figured there was no worse that she could do in the eyes of her people, but another part knows it would be shocking to...what? Divorce. How would she even go about it? It was a small reassurance that she wouldn’t lose Kara, but how could she let Krypton go when she’d clung to its memory for so long? She took a deep breath and remembered spires cascading across the earth with a red sun shining down on them from above. She had always believed Argos city to be the most beautiful sight in the galaxy, so why did a simple metal tower and hazel eyes supersede it in her mind’s eye? “I am tired. I’ve been fighting so long and now...I’m so tired of fighting.” 

“Then stop,” Kara said simply. “Let me help you. Let Alex help you." Kara blinked as though she’d just realized something. “She’s freaking out, isn’t she? Alex. Pushing you away, insisting I not know?”

Astra took a deep breath and gave a short nod. She didn’t know what Kara meant, but she if she went back and lived the same way as before...she’d only wind up the same and she couldn’t stand that. She didn’t want another set of green lights to haunt her dreams. She shook her head as Kara talked about Alex, “She didn’t push me away...I...pulled myself away once I learned the truth.” She felt a pang of guilt. “She was distressed…”

Kara clenched her jaw and rolled her eyes. “You’re going to have to push her, Astra. If you back away, she’ll let you go. Alex doesn’t believe she deserves happiness." Kara shrugged. She reached into her back pocket and pulled out her cell phone. “If I know my sister, she’s either still sitting against the wall of my building, emptying her flask, or she’s sitting in the bar on the corner, emptying their Johnny Walker bottle.”

Astra considered for a moment, “Is...do you think she’s alright?” She didn’t want to admit it, but the prospect of going out alone while she was still so weak was daunting.

Kara cocked her head to the side, listening for something that Astra no longer had the ability to hear. Kara smiled. “She’s at Carl’s Place." She looked at Astra. “I told you, the bar on the corner with an endless supply of JW Black. She’ll be on the stool on the far end, nursing a drink and trying not to flirt with the hot bartender." 

Astra raised her eyebrows. Something about Alex flirting with another cause her stomach to jump uncomfortably. Kara reached out and put a hand on her shoulder, reassuringly.“She’ll be okay. The bartender will call her a cab. If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll go down there and fly her home.”

Astra nodded, “That. It would make me feel better.” She knew Alex could look after herself, but whether or not she would seemed to be a different matter. “Would you ask her to come by in the morning?” Astra wasn’t sure what she would say, but there was a lot that they had to discuss. 

“Yeah, of course." Kara twisted her hands for a second. For a moment, she became the little girl Astra had known so many years ago. “Why don’t you try to get some sleep. I’ll be back in no time." Kara stepped to her aunt and kissed her lightly on the cheek. “I love you." She was gone for a split second and returned in full Supergirl regalia. 

“I...love you too, Little One.” Astra took a deep breath and watched as Kara stepped out of the apartment. “Thank you.” She spoke softly but knew her niece would hear it all the same. She walked into the bedroom to lie down. She was exhausted and she had to figure out what she was going to say to Alexandra in the morning.


	9. Falling Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Astra talk and figure out what happens now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the last bit. Thanks for sticking with us <3

Alex stood outside the door to Kara’s apartment. She stared at the number on the door as though she’d never seen it before. She’d been to this apartment no less than three times a week for the past two years and now she felt like a stranger here. Astra was on the other side of that door and with her a world of uncertainty and potential heartbreak. She still had no idea what she would say as she lifted her hand to knock on the door. 

Alex heard shuffling on the other side of the door. She thought that Kara might give them a bit of privacy, so it could be up to Astra as to whether she’d let her in or not when it came down to it. She was surprised that Astra would want to speak with her at all after the way that they’d left things. 

The door opened sooner that she expected and she was greeted by the sight of Astra, still alive and whole. “Hello, Alexandra.” 

“Astra,” was all Alex was able to say in reply. There was so much she needed to get out, to hear from Astra, to explain and answer for, but all of it died in her throat when faced with sorrowful, frightened eyes. Instead, she dropped her gaze and stepped inside. She surveyed the room. “Kara here?”

Astra shook her head, “She returned to CatCo. I insisted.” Astra moved aside to let Alex in, not knowing looking unsure. 

Alex breathed a sigh of relief. “Good. She was pissed as hell at me last night and I can get mouthy when I’m drunk. I think some time to cool off would be best for both of us.” She tried to laugh off her fight with Kara, but in truth, she hated being at odds with her sister. Between Alex abandoning Astra at Kara’s apartment and making out with her behind Kara’s back, she’d gotten an earful on the flight home the night before. “You’ll be pleased to know she’s very protective of you.” Alex shoved her hands in her pockets.

“I still feel that it should be the other way around. It’s hard to realize she’s grown now. Especially with my memories being jumbled.” She sighed. “I recall more than I did, but the timing is still difficult. It feels like yesterday that I was giving Kara her spy beacon and teaching her constellations.” She didn’t move to sit down, opting to stand awkwardly in the middle of Kara’s living space.

“Jesus, this is ridiculous.” She turned from Astra and flopped on the couch across the room. “Sit down, Astra. We have to talk. I know it’s awkward and you’re hurt and scared. So am I, but we can’t stand in the middle of Kara’s apartment shuffling our feet and avoiding eye contact.” Something had to give, and if Alex had to be the one to push this boulder down the hill, then she’d shove and throw herself in front of it. All she really wanted was to pull Astra into her arms and pretend like none of this had ever happened, but the consequences of her actions were screaming in her head and she had to take action and hope it was enough.

Astra took one of the chairs opposite Alex. She looked across at Alex for a few moments before looking away. “I don’t know where to begin. I loved you though I was...am...married and then you killed me, you brought me back, lied about the nature of our relationship and now...I’m am unsure if I’m really here at all.” She held out a hand and examined it, flexing her hand and then releasing it. 

“Well, that’s a helluva summation.” Alex wasn’t sure why she was surprised by Astra’s candor. She’d never had any trouble with the truth before, but Alex’s human nature was unused to having her downfalls laid in front of her so bluntly. “Let’s start at the beginning. I… love you too. Love, Astra, as in present tense. I don’t expect you to return those feelings after everything that happened, but I don’t bring people back from the dead unless I cannot bear the thought of never seeing them again.” She pressed her lips together for a few seconds before words started to spill out again, “Kara’s explained Kryptonian marriages to me and I need you to know that I get it. If me stepping aside is what you need… I’m willing…” she couldn’t finish the sentence.

********

Astra took in the pained expression on Alex’s face at the way she laid out events and frowned. “I was not...I did not intend to be harsh, merely to state what occurred. I’m not saying...” Alex loved her. While her memories were fuzzy, she only recalled that sentiment being expressed by Kara so freely. She closed her eyes for a moment as Alex spoke of not being able to live without her and bringing her back at all costs. It took a moment before Astra was sure Alex wasn’t going to continue her words. She opened her eyes and looked into Alex’s that shone with hurt. 

“Brave one…” The nickname slipped out and images of their first meeting flooded her. She’d been intrigued even then. “I do...love you. I know I’m married for this life and beyond. I know it in here…” She gestured to her head. “But I don’t feel it. I don’t feel much of anything except the fact that I love you…”

Astra could see Alex’s eyes filling with tears as she tried to blink them away and Astra watched them spill down cheeks that she could remember being so soft under her fingertips. Alex drew a shuddering breath and looked at the ceiling, blinking faster. “This has to be your decision, Astra. I can’t make it for you. Please.” The pleading in her voice was clear. Alex seemed to give up trying to hide her tears and brought her red-rimmed eyes to meet Astra’s and dug her hands into the upholstery of the sofa. “Please tell me what to do.”

Astra closed her eyes again. Flashes of a life half-lived crossed her mind. Duty. If she could pick out one strain to her life then that was it. If she was allowed a second then it was anger. She didn’t feel angry, but she remembered it consuming her. There were flashes of the love of Kara and even little sparks for Alura in spite of everything. Maybe when everything else was washed away, love was the one thing that remained. She opened her eyes and started across the room. Alex was crying and she wanted that to stop. She wanted to be in her arms. She wanted to be as close to her as possible. 

Non’s face flashed before her eyes bringing back moments she realized she has been repressing on purpose. There were few good ones where they worked together, but mostly it was a crushing emptiness. She remembered what she could admit now was jealously seeing Alura and Jor-El being so besotted while she settled for a shared vision. She remembered taking a sort of comfort in a shared sense of anger that she struggled to feel now for a world that was gone and never coming back. It wasn’t enough. It never was, but now she was given a second life where she could have something better. She had to choose it. 

Astra wet her lips as she, moved to sit next to Alex. She reached her hand out and waited for Alex to take it before she spoke. “Teach me.” 

Alex slid her cool hand into Astra’s warm one. Alex’s breaths continued to come in gasps and Astra thought she could hear Alex’s heart racing. “Teach you? Teach you what, exactly. Biochemistry, I can teach. Alien physiology, tactical analysis, self-defense. Hell, I could even b.s. my way through an astronomy elective…? I…” Her eyes were hopeful. “I…”

Astra moved a little closer. “Teach me how to do this. Teach me what it means to love someone on your world. To...to be with them. To not screw everything up.” 

Alex gasped, a choked sob escaping her as her lips curved in a smile even as her body shook. She squeezed Astra’s hand and shook her head. “This? I’ve never done this either, but god I want to try. ” Her fingers curled around Astra’s hand and her thumb caressed the smooth skin. 

Astra focused on the feeling of Alex’s thumb moving over her skin, grounding her. “I don’t know what this turns into. I don’t know what it’s supposed to look like. My people acted out of a sense of duty. I don’t know how to love someone. Not like this.” She squeezed Alex’s hand harder. “We didn’t do this on my planet, Alexandra. I don’t know how.” Her voice cracked. 

Using Astra’s hand as an anchor, Alex pulled herself against Astra. She faced Astra on the couch and laid their joined hands against her beating heart. Her other hand fits perfectly against Astra’s jawline and she bumped their foreheads together. “We’ll learn together,” Alex whispered. 

“The only person I’ve ever loved to the point of self-sacrifice is Kara,” Alex continued. She lifted her head and kissed Astra gently on her crown. Astra felt Alex’s body relax and mold against her. “What I do know,” she continued, now pressing her cheek against Astra’s head and finding a lock of hair to work absently between her fingers, “is that I feel better now, in this moment, touching you, than I have in years of trying to do all the right things. You’re something more than right.”

Astra’s eyes fluttered shut as Alex kissed her forehead. Even if Krypton still stood, she would want this. Thoughts of her home planet flitted out of her mind as Alex pressed against her more fully. Alex was correct. It felt beyond right. She let herself would believe. “You are...astounding.” She turned her head slightly and pressed her lips to Alex’s cheek. It was unimaginably soft beneath her lips. She lingered for long moments before pulling back slightly. 

“What happens now?” She smiled slightly as she looked at Alex’s face. Tears stained and a little red, but still overwhelmingly beautiful. 

It was all the permission Alex seemed to need. “Now, we fall,” she said cryptically and captured Astra’s lips with her own.

Astra kissed Alex back and it was more than it was the night before. It was a thousand tiny wounds healing all at the same time. Whatever came next, she wasn’t alone. As Alex lowered her down on the sofa, it really did feel like falling, but unlike any sort she’d ever known. She never wanted to stop.


End file.
